and the world grieves

a part of the world is grieving because many have been killed, overnight, due to an accident no one could foresee. some grieving personally, some slightly solemn, some just continuing on with their lives. 

a part of the world is busy being productive, churning out reports and meeting expectations and  trying to perform at work. can they earn enough, save enough for their future, for their next holiday. yet another - so quiet, so peaceful, going about their daily routines - be it driving people from one spot to the next, or whipping up delicious dishes for people who come their way - perhaps their worries surround the weather, whether or not they would have enough customers to be able to feed them for the day. 

life can be such an irony sometimes.. the things that plague our minds. 

if i stay

cried buckets watching this movie... but its such a thought provoking one.. if we could, would we choose to stay or leave? sometimes life is so painful that we just want to quit but we cant. what holds us back, what gives us meaning?

this christmas i learnt the meaning of family. yes christmas is about the birth of jesus - and we celebrate the greatest gift of all.. but being able to spend time with family, the home filled with children, love and laughter brings so much warmth to my heart achs well. being home for christmas as someone who is finally home for good, and being back just for holiday feels so different. and at the end when we were all sitting at the christmas tree unwrapping our presents and laughing away, i really felt so blessed and it was a great cuddly feeling!

to be able to spend christmas in church is also very warm. i think its actually my first christmas service? i dont remember any other christmas service... and at the end of the day having this day off and public holiday to be able to go to church to celebrate this joyous occasion with fellow brothers and sisters in christ. thats what it is all about (:

it is a good season.. even though i was dreading it initially because it felt like there was so much hype and parties and that really drains me.. but in the end everything turned out well(:

& 2015 is coming!

ending off with some reindeer cupcakes that i baked for christmas! i really liked the taste of this cupcake - i used dark cocoa powder. although initially i freaked out because it was black instead of brown.. haaha

its mid dec

so fast, so soon. 

we get all excited making plans for the future but when we think about it seriously, sometimes it can be pretty scary. such big decisions we make. 

thankful for the step forward we made in our relationship over the weekend - albeit a tearful one. that we learnt how to talk better, instead of just resolving emotions. 

there are a lot of thoughts on my mind, such as how people have a whole lot of advice for others even when they sometimes dont seemingly subscribe to it. or you know, the same concept does not apply to everyone. im guilty of it too. we always think we know best, but do we really? 

in other words ive been very thankful of where ive been in the past year. its been a massive year - with all the transitions and movements and changes. but its been a great one. there were ups and downs but i was generally quite aware of the presence of God in my life and that was mostly comforting. that in the challenges and when i drifted, he drew me back to himself. 

2015 would be a big year for j in terms of work - and therefore us. all the way til mid 2016. and then only God knows what our future holds. j always talks about how 20-30 are the years where many major transitions and changes take place and thats true. but then by the time you are in your 30s you have kids and then each year is different and moving and we huff and we puff along. life - what does it mean to have life? 

too often i say something and i wonder if i should have said it. then sometimes i remember that its alright to say the wrong things sometimes, because i am not perfect and its alright for people to know that. its my pride that wants to upload a certain image of myself. but yet i know that all it takes is one comment to bring a person down. because all too often, that happens to me 

goodnight, 1 down 5 to go 

what is the meaning and purpose of your life?

When we grow old and look back at our lives, what would it have been for?

although we are young now, it is so important to think about this question now in order that we may live lives that are worthy and lives that are meaningful. and that is why i am so thankful for my profession that has enabled me to think about this question a lot.

we looked at 4 questions Jesus asked.
1. "What do you want" (john 1:38)
      - and followed it with come and see
      - if we are brutally honest and ask ourselves what are the prayers and desires that we want in our lives? what it is? what do i pray for, what do i desperately cry out for. do i desperately cry out for my friend's salvation, or my hurting friend's needs, or for my broken soul? or do i cry out when i need something?
     - studies have shown that as we grow more affluent, we dont become more happy. as we become more successful, we dont become more satisfied. we become stuck on an endless treadmill and its hard to get off. yet we dont learn, we want to be better, richer, more successful. O lord, keep me humble and take my desires and mould me
    - Lord may I meet you in a way that satisfies my greatest need and desire

2. "do you want to leave as well?"  John 6:67
    - to whom shall we go when jesus has the words of eternal life?

3. "where shall WE buy the bread to feed all these people" John 6:5
   - he can do it himself but he ask his disciple how shall they do it. do I see the starving world out there that God wants to feed? look up and see the multitude..

4. "Do you love me"?
   - it is not what are your qualifications, do you have enough intellect, do you have enough finances, do you have this or that but do you love me.
   - it is similar to the time when God told me it is not your mind i want but your heart

these people are so amazing and so brilliant yet so humble and so passionate and loving. it amazes me. it is not only the theology they speak out but their lives and examples they support it with. it really spoke right into my heart. it made God & Jesus even more real than before. with a deeper conviction of who God and his eternal purpose and destiny for us.

also found this on youtube: great answer to a difficult question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it7mhQ8fEq0

it has been a great 2 days - cant be more grateful.

Helping the thinker believe and the believer think

to be honest, ive never been much of a thinker.. a reflecter perhaps, but not thinker. im not one who
questions a lot - it is in my nature and character to accept things given to me most of the time. but my time in Australia developed my thinking mind and at times, I was forced to think. despite the fact that sometimes they drove me crazy, i am incredibly thankful to have met the people i met who made me think - about my faith, about what i believed in, about the bible i proclaimed.

and i am so thankful for privilege of attending the rzim conference this year. what an eye opener. to hear these people speak with such passion and such great content. listening to them honestly rejuvenates me.

what makes us human? what does it mean to be created in the image of God? what is the meaning of life? can the bible be trusted? how was the bible compiled?

too tired to type out a reflection... but it was a good day.

in sickness & in health

on saturday, i witnessed a dear friend of mine get married. on sunday, i was at work when i saw how a husband cared for his wife in sickness & in health. nobody knows what the future entails - we all hope for a healthy body until we are old and its "okay" to fall sick. but there are many people who fall sick when they are much younger with a long way ahead of them. and the relationship changes so much because the communication changes, the way they date changes, the way they live changes as well. that is the true test of any relationship.

and as i saw how their relationship was still so loving and genuine despite everything they have been through - that really tugged at my heartstrings. will i be able to not blame anyone or anything for my circumstances? will i be able to be so patient and caring despite the difficulties? even now, i am not as patient and loving as i should be. many times i am impatient and i think about myself before thinking about him. love is not all about a bed of roses and happy times and romance - love is about seeing each other through the good and the bad times. to accept each other for the good traits as well as the flaws. to think for the other person before self. to sacrifice, to serve, to care, to share.

it might be hard but it is worth every moment.

antedotes

This morning there was a stirring inside and I  had to drag myself to work. But this was a perfect antedote to a Monday - good food,  good company and a whole lot of laughter. such a cheery bunch!

There was also little moments and meetings with various people at work which made me pause and think hey - this is actually pretty meaningful. p who thank you so wholeheartedly for that little time you spent with them. They might not remember who you are or what you did but at least I know that in that fifteen minutes or more - they had company, they were taking part in meaningful and beneficial activity. and they were happy not to be left lying there in bed for the entire time. and I guess - that's what I signed up for isn't it? (: 

so, it wasn't that bad a Monday after all. In the little moments, stop and ponder. stop and appreciate. stop and be content.

suffering & the cross

Psalms 2
"I will tell of the decree: The LORD said to me," You are my Son; today I have begotten you. Ask of me, and I will make the nations your heritage and the ends of the earth your possession. You shall break them with a rod of iron and dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel."

Jesus. the cross. in revisiting Mark in my lectures it has brought to life the idea that the cross is central to the identity of Jesus. that Jesus as the son of God was only complete after His death. the concept of suffering rather than conventional greatness, the concept of being rejected. thats the cross redefined for me - its not just about taking our place, but its also about the unconventional King, the suffering Messiah. and when we are called to follow Him, this journey includes suffering. includes being rejected, misunderstood, loneliness, pain. there is joy in the greater picture, but we cannot overlook the suffering, the cross. "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me."

similarly from today's sermon -  there is no need to defend ourselves, wait and let your actions speak for themselves. In the time of waiting, God can do something that we cannot do. wait on God, do not just wait for people or circumstances to change - and in that waiting, we are changed.

this is such a hard concept to grasp and internalise - when very often we feel the need to fight for our rights, that no one will protect us and we have to protect ourselves. that if we are easy pushovers, the world will take advantage of us. where do we draw the line? very often, i have to remind myself of this meekness, of this unconventional greatness. of the way Jesus came, lived and died.

but it can be all fluffy concepts and ideas if we do not apply it into situations and moments of our lives. & this is a lifelong learning journey.

never before have i waited for so long for something so uncertain. but i do not wish for time to fast forward, for i am not ready to make such big decisions. for now, i am happy where i am (: 

someone is back (:

We delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses buy completes the enjoyment - that is why we are called to praise God

if god is for us, then he must be for himself. His ultimate goal is to preserve and display his infinite and awesome greatness worth, that is, his glory.

guess who is back!! 

the boyfriend aka chauffeur aka running buddy aka food buddy aka the best friend (: 

came back with a whole lot of goodies too!! yumtum

brunch @ strangers reunion before work. how awesome to be able to head to a cafe on a weekday where its quiet and chill (: 

sunday night with the nephews! children are really such bundles of joy - they bring such liveliness into our lives and are always the centre of attention! we have 3 little ones so far and 1 on the way - definitely more to come. four generations now! its interesting to see how the family grows and expands(: 

after our run! so glad to have him back to run with me - i have no motivation to run when he isnt around although i tried to still keep it up. although i am the ex-runner, it started dwindling over the years and after a while it was a constant struggle to put on my shoes and fit some exercise into my schedule. our first run together was 3 may (vesak day?) and i was struggling to finish 5km. in fact i insisted on doing exactly 5km (knowing macritchie well helped) and walked part of it. haha! ive come really far since then! 2 more weeks to my 2nd half marathon, the first being five years ago back in 2009, and im quite excited! 

so thankful that this week I'm on shift and we get to spend our mornings together since he is on time off from work (in a way), so its great timing (: 

i have decided.

that if i can, i will.
this is how i will plan, but my plans are in pencil. for the Lord directs my path and establishes my every step.

thankful for exciting times(: tough times, but its exciting. and with the Lord, this fascinates me. yay!

i am feeling kinda tired - i think brain tired?? came home wanting to do something productive but ... i just dissolved into bed. printed all that needs to be printed and off i go! well i get thursday off!! so excited for my first AL without reason. hahaha.. we all have 24 hours a day, and endless things to be done. need to prioritize and focus on the important!

persevere persevere my dear - only 4 more lessons to go. and practically all my assignments. but this was what i signed up for and what i am interested to learn so no complaints.

haven't heard from justin for two days now.. at all. woes of ldr. 5 more days! thankful though that at least i have something and someone to look forward to. ive come to realise that having someone to just lean on emotionally, physically after a long tiring day of work makes a truckload of difference.

indeed, life on earth is tough but it is not the ultimate. so all is good! goodnight everyone x

when jesus was tempted

today's sermon was on pride.
humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less (and thinking of others more) - C.S. Lewis

when jesus was tempted, what he was tempted on was to use the power and authority to had to gain something. it suddenly dawned on me that - he could have. he could have turn the stone into bread, he could have conquered kingdoms, he could have showed the world how powerful he was. but he didnt. he chose the self-sacrificial love route. the route that displayed weakness in the eyes of the world. a fool, many would comment.

it just dawned on me again - how different this method is from some worldviews today. how very often we are told to fight for our rights, to protect ourselves, to show what we can do. that God has great plans for us, God will make us great, but in what way? To show our weakness, to display meekness, to choose not to display our power when we can. this was what we went through in our last mentoring sessions as well. at the end of the day, to know that we are fully satisfied in christ. we have nothing to lose, nothing to prove, nothing to hide. we truly do not stand to lose out. but we are afraid, i am afraid. many times i feel like i have to prove my worth, i have to show others what i can do. but no, that is not what Jesus taught or modelled.

we have nothing to prove...

on bible college

Post by The Gospel Coalition.

geek talk! hahahahaha really geeky. but powerful theologians engaged in ?healthy debate. haha just funny because this is similar to what we have to present on in class next week. gasp

honestly, its been an amazing experience going through the classes that ive been going through at BGST. im so, so thankful to be able to have this opportunity to study the bible & theology in this manner. it has just opened my eyes to an entirely new world, its like the bible come alive. i shy away from telling too many people about it because im afraid that people would associate it with being holy/knowing my bible really well which is far from the truth. there is so much i dont know and so much ive yet to learn and taking a course in this college only teaches you the principles. in order to know your bible well hours and hours have to spent reading it, meditating upon it, analysing it, piecing it together, memorising it. text by text. and i havent even read the entire bible yet. and some bits that ive read - ive no clue about it. 

and studying the bible in such an intense manner does not automatically equate to knowing God in the same intimate manner, and does not necessarily equate to godly, christ-like behaviour, or living a life worth of the Lord. 

but tonight, im simply in awe of how much the bible contains and how much one can glean from it. and how honestly, despite the fact that so many things point to human destruction and how things could never have worked out - it did, because God was always with us and God always had this plan of salvation and God just has it all worked out. 

just like how j&i could never have worked out (never - if you ask me in the two years we were not tog, i was really against it), we did. and i can only say that God is the author and source and perfector of our relationship. i sidetrack, but i am thankful despite the fact that j is away and we are barely talking because reception is terrible ): 

but just like how jesus is the author and perfector of our faith. just like how God has caused us to be born again to a living hope, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled and unfading. just like how He has called us his beloved children. He will keep us from now til forevermore. 

common sam focus focus focus! just 2 more days and you can take a breather. i just gave in to a chocolate loacker ><

http://www.forbes.com/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/02/25/11-ways-to-beat-the-monday-blues/

learning... still learning. questions i ask myself every.single.day.
to be faithful though in the big and small things God has assigned.

13 days left till justin comes home! tonight is one of those nights where - ldr doesnt sit well with me. i guess the fact that he doesnt have reception doesnt help. ohwells, by the time he comes back - november will be half over ^^ i need to go for 5 yoga classes from now until end dec.

goodnight world x

its november. im saying yes to a lot of things that i dont know if i can cope with, & im wondering why i never had such issues in Australia. do Singaporeans like creating things so we can keep ourselves busy? to fill our lives with programs so we feel productive? or is it just a wider social circle & network? i have no answer.

but anyway, these things are in the future, and i have the next two months to kind of figure things out.

have started listening to some podcasts on this new app i downloaded - thanks to cc(: and i listened to something that has made me feel more at ease of my role as a female. ive always felt unsure about my role as a female in the workplace, in the church. ive no issues with submission, which perhaps makes me wonder how i can serve without being too dominating/domineering, and how i can best utilise the gifts God has given to me within the right boundaries. im glad that i no longer have doubts about working - and that being a stayhome mum does not make one godlier/more in line with God's will. but that brings its own set of questions i suppose - questions that will not be answered until a few years later.

anyway, God is good and the quietness at 0540 has been comforting. its going to be a stressful week but after this - things will be less busy i hope! trying not to schedule too many gatherings because i need my rest - age is catching up with me! haha can't believe im turning 25 next year - dont know if im ready for that. but i got through 2014! not just got through but it has been a good year(:

monday blues (just like every typical sunday night) but here's a song which i really like:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYUI4knoyHE

fresh beginnings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbTFa9px9Lc&feature=related

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeqLV46NVUk

Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God. one of my all time favourites.

the todolist never ends, does it?

but for now, the bed beckons - no white sheets but im going to get white sheets next time, i heard it helps with better rest. and im left with "in all that he does, he prospers" - how do we interpret this with the little information i have? everything seems to be reading into the passage our own pre-understanding and notions.

goodnight.

seemed like yesterday where I bought my favourite fried chicken for dinner before my nt Class, and seemed like yesterday where I felt so overwhelmed at work and had to go back to finish my notes and Justin came to pick me and cheer me up! but tomorrow is Wednesday again and time for my next lesson!  its actually 2 more classes and I'm halfway through - time truly flies. before I know it, ill be officially one year into my job!

I feel like perhaps - I've committed to too many things too fast too soon that I'm not getting enough rest/me time/time with God. so I'm trying to be more intentional about it now! But Singapore is truly just hectic in general - sometimes I think I'm caught up in the mindset that in order to be productive/make the best of my life I need to be constantly doing something.. :/

in one year, I've started work, started a relationship, settled back into church, settled into a cg  (still ongoing), started serving with the youth, started bgst, signed up for mpc, started running again,  healthserve. One mg and one mentor. on top of adjusting back to family commitments and rekindling old friendships. that's a lot for me.. 

so after going through the motions, I think now is the season to rest intentionally. so for that, I'm thankful that j has a work trip coming up! I'll miss him but it's a good time for me to rest a lil more. ^^

just read about how phelps is going for rehab. makes me wonder about human nature  - we strive to become better, to reach the top and when we reach the top - we dont know what to do with our lives. we dont know how to cope with the glory. no matter how good we are, we all have our own issues and troubles. reminds me of the convo i had with j about how everyone would have their own issues - the top student and the bottom student, the one who seemingly has it all and the one who doesnt.

so before we strive even harder, before we begin on an endless chase for something better, ask ourselves why. our motivations, our heart - search it deep and ask why. im not saying its wrong - but dont lose sight of what is most important.

this morning i had a conversation with a colleague about how i could have done more for one of my p. initially i was pretty affected as it seemed like i did something "wrong" but after a while, i was thankful that it was a good learning experience for me. after all its still my first year out and i was wondering about my plan for that p as well. i was also reflecting on the decisions i had made. so im glad that someone can provide some insight into the matter(:

that being said - there is always this inner battle at the back of my mind about this whole xx thing. I know it wont be settled anytime soon but I think its going to be one of the longest journeys ive ever taken, shouldnt think so much now and enjoy my 'youth' while i still can! as much as im excited for new phases of life - but im also reminded that its not going to be easy and there will be a lot of
more work & responsibilities.

alright tonight shall be an early night again! just one day of work and im all ready to just roll into bed.haha

goodnight world x

Thank god for public holidays

Nothing like being in a cafe on a weekday, just with a cuppa & some reading material. its something I miss so terribly. but I'm so thankful for the opportunity to just sit down and enjoy the hour or two with my study material! and grateful that I actually managed to finish reading it - it's a lot of pages to finish in one sitting especially for someone so easily distracted like me.  

 

met these girls and our math teacher for lunch today too. despite all the difficulties in actually meeting up - I'm thankful that we did. It reminded me of how far we have come, and how we really ought to be thankful for where we are able to be today. 

I shouldn't need a public holiday to be able to spend quality time with my Father - but it has definitely made it easier.. so despite my own inner angst, I am thankful for today.

so many things have been happening - Singapore is indeed too eventful, I need to learn to say no? and I'm tired so I'm just gonna sleep. Thankful for tomorrow's public holiday!

thankful that Sunday - Justin is getting baptised and his entire  family has agreed to come! This is a first for his dad since I've known him so it's really a prayer answered.

There is too many things happening and my quiet time is suffering. block out the noises of the world my dear. but family, boyf, and church is enough to keep me occupied.

and here is a picture of us and phoebe's wedding! I'm at the age where going for weddings now makes me think of the kind of wedding I would like to have. But that aside - I'm so thankful for the conversations I've had with fellow ocfers during that dinner x

saturdate! happy three (:

we discovered a new quaint place that we both really liked today (; in sentosa! havent been to sentosa in a really really long time. the last i remembered was sw's comms ball haha that was like 5? years ago??  its touristy, but not as crowded as i thought it would be. especially before 1pm(:

lunch at tablescape! 

our mocktail called Cinderella! (: 

 yumyum (: it was a quiet, fine lunch which we enjoyed in peace. bread as starters; salad/soup for appetizer; his beef/my barrumundi; and ice cream for dessert ^^ we were both very satisfied after that!


we (especially j) really liked the feel/ambience of the place - he kept raving about it and how he really wanted to come back and stay here in the future! if we can - after we get married in the far future haha

we headed to underwaterworld after - and enjoyed a show put up by these pink dolphins & sea lions!

 i love watching dolphins jump and leap - there's something so elegant and beautiful about them, i could watch them the whole day

i also really like these underwater tunnels(: of course this was much older as compared to the newer sea aquarium, but it was still an afternoon well spent just taking some time off our busy lives to spend time with each other. im glad we made this agreement to spend at least once a month to do something more special rather than the usual routine. to be honest, its only three months but we have definitely settled into our own routine already! most of the time - if we are able to meet on weekdays its dinner at my place. weekends is spend running errands/attending events/gatherings together, church and then dinner with each other's family. so i appreciate the times when we are able to just put aside everything else and just be with each other. and i hope we dont stop doing that!

taking touristy shots with the merlion! just like two months ago when we took a photo with the merlion in front of fullerton. 

was also just talking to the brother about results and about progressions with j and it just makes me think about how our society can be so performance driven. even when its not the paper chase, grades, we still look at performance in some way or another. i guess society needs to have a benchmark somehow? but still, is it not tiring to always be trying to meet a certain expectation thats placed on us artificially? by another human being? im glad our God is not a performance based God but one who provides the way back to Him despite our rebellion & failures. and in that, we can trust, we can be secure, we can hide under His wings. 

alright, going to attempt to run a 10km tomorrow. my aim is to finish it without walking. (: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hos-YWNghHQ

how do you know what is your calling??

"The way to find your calling is to look at the way you were created. Your gifts have not emerged by accident" - Tim Keller

In an asian culture, sometimes its hard to identify our gifts. We shy away from acknowledging what we are good at, afraid of being seemed as arrogant, and not being able to live up to expectations after. But God does create us with gifts - and I guess we should learn to embrace these gifts and acknowledge them and use them to serve His Kingdom and to serve His people. but to remember that failure does not mean that we are not gifted anymore, having a gift in a particular area does not mean that we are perfect, we are human afterall.. 

my grandma randomly asked about our housing plans in the future after we get married. haha it was quite funny but sorry not yet! 

I've been learning and reflecting on the concept of Sabbath and rest. (in my not so well state). The sabbath is something God commanded. seems strange isnt it? Why does he need to order us to rest when we always say we want to rest, we are tired, but yet we struggle to set aside time to truly rest. such an irony! but rest is part of God's perfect intentions and plans for us as mankind - so I am going to learn to obey & rest.  

sometimes a person's comment can really linger in my mind and affect me more than it should.
sometimes the inner battles within me can really drain me.
sometimes being with people too much can really drain me. although i get really recharged by one on one, deep & personal conversations.

to let go of the need to prove myself, to let go of the need to have to be accepted by everyone, to let go of all these sinful nature in me.

"Out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person."

there is too much wickedness in this world, and we have accepted them as part of our nature and our society - that we dont even recognise them anymore. that scares me. O Lord, purify my heart and make me clean, keep me in your righteousness.

Lord in praying for the matter about my future slightly more in recent days, it has revealed a lot of fears in my heart. the fear of failure, of people's judgement, of not being able to fulfil my own expectations. of not being able to make it or take the stress/toughness of it.of not coping. fears that I did not know existed.

i used to want a wedding with lots of people at a really nice hotel. but after attending a few weddings, i think perhaps a cosy one would do ^^

im so tired, but thank you lord for a weekend to look forward to this week - quietness with you, me and my favourite boy. i know you will bring me through this week (:

today as i sat in that new testament class it dawned on me that these archaeological pieces exist in this world. that out there there are scraps of paper (papyrus) that originated from the 2nd century thousands of years ago and is part of history. that all this is real. perhaps one day i will be able to visit Israel and visit these places that are mentioned in the bible or visit one of these museums with these cool antiques.

Places I hope to go to one day (if i can) include
1. Maldives (for my honeymoon!)
2. Israel
3. Japan
4. Climb some mountain somewhere
5. Go back to korea

but for me travelling is a luxury and not a need and at this point in time, luxury is not something I can afford too often. I'm supposed to do something productive but I can't get myself to do productive things at night. its terrible ):

this on/off thoughts at the back of my mind about my future also haunts me at times. its tiring to have these thoughts running in my head - but yet i know that God has my future in control and He will open the right doors in the right time. for now - i need to focus on being the best physio i can be for my patients

alright, cant be productive but after sunday's mentoring session about protecting our sabbath. i have decided to protect my daily sabbath time with God and protect it fiercely - may it be a non negotiable!

goodnight world. may we seek the things that are above, where Christ is, this very day.

Happy physiotherapy day!

Today is the day, where physios all over the world are celebrated! hurray. passion makes all the difference - as all the seniors have said.

growing up, a major practical concern is how to manage our finances. as much as i would like to trust God, I can't help but worry about how we are going to afford the many things needed in the future. relooking our past investments/expenditures and thinking of the next step ahead. yes we make mistakes in our youth but hey we are still young and we learn from such experiences. thats what life is all about isnt it! as much as its stressful, its also exciting that we are now managing "adult" issues now and having to make bigger life decisions. at the end of the day we can also rest fully, that the biggest and most important life decision has already been made; and then ultimately we have the highest hope, and have nothing really to lose on this earth.

finally feeling the effects of my night duty - so goodnight world! ill see you in dreamland

annyeong!

Seeing a friend post photos of her korea trip makes me miss korea very very much. honestly, as much as  i felt like korea was such a crazy place, i really really enjoyed my korea trip. maybe it was cos i was travelling alone (kind of) with just the company of one of my best friends when she was able to meet me! or maybe because i really really loved korean food. or maybe because i loved the intense cold (even though i never liked the cold in brissy), its ironic but i do like it when its so cold i need to bundle myself up in layers.. i miss exploring the city by myself, i miss all the cafes and hot drinks ! and i miss hearing a different language being spoken around me all the time. 

i miss my red hair too.. HAHA. dyed it in korea and i really liked it!! i explored this palace all by myself and this photo was taken by some japanese boy haha. i remember because they asked me to take a photo for them and were shocked that i could understand them (vaguely) and reply them - something really simple. 

this lake was frozen and really really peaceful <3

some river!! in the city that was really nice to walk along

the awesome awesome food that i will never forget. they were all really affordable too!

happily bundled up ^^

a really really nice neighbourhood! honestly, off my head i cant remember any of the places i went to but hopefully if i see the train map i will have some vague memory

i really hope that i can bring justin back one day, to show him all the places i went to and to explore places i didnt go! i cant decide if i want to go in winter, or spring (where the flowers will be blooming and i can shop till i drop). but then we also want to go to the maldives one day! and considering the many factors that we need to consider by the time we get married, im not sure how many places we can actually go. but anyhow, no harm putting them on the list and see where God leads us (:

enough dreaming, time to roll into bed and conquer friday.

ive been coming to this space more often these days. perhaps its because ive been coming home more and justin's busy with his course. perhaps its because im rotating soon and ive been thinking about things a lot.

its been a great eight months in the geri team and im so thankful for all the colleagues ive made. i didnt know what to expect coming back to work in Singapore and having to adjust back to a Singaporean environment. and while it was crazy at first i was always thankful for colleagues whom I could finally connect with at a comfortable level. and now after eight months i can truly say ive found friends & not just colleagues at my workplace. they have thought me so much - about work and about life. and im so so grateful.

ive also learnt so much about the geriatric population. how our mindset and attitudes can change everything about life, how life is so fragile, how life is short, how therapy/physical activity can influence one's life so significantly. its interesting to hear stories of these people who have lived so long - it makes me wonder what kind of life i want to live, what kind of stories i would tell, what kind of old age i would have. ive also picked up some dialect - while its far from fluent, i think i can at least get by. ^^

in other news, ive passed my audit! it wasnt great great, but it was fine. it reminded me of my uni days and how i went through them. it reminded me that i have much to learn, much to grow. and hopefully ill grow in this profession steadily in the different ways. at least i know i have passed this rotation and can happily move on (:

august/september is going to be a tough month. im glad i got to come home early this week. relatively early since ive been ending work later (its crazy at work); but not going out. ive also been exercising more (thanks to the boyfriend & a newfound exercise buddy at work!) - even though im not losing weight. but these are little things to be thankful for amidst a really tiring week..

in the meantime im thankful for my little countdown app, it actually makes me feel good about the days gradually passing. towards the various milestones in life

nothing to prove

cos we truly dont. many times things are not within our control, and we are who we are in Him, how He has created us and opened and closed doors. so why do we fret so much?

i know i do. from the big things to the small. but today i was reminded, that I have nothing to prove. i dont have to chase after worldly standards of success or growth or whatnot. because national day just passed, the government has been talking a lot about how we dont need a degree to be "successful", write ups on success stories have been plastered everywhere. what about those who dont? those who go down the normal path and not make it big? is leading a quiet, normal life not good enough for us? we can live contented, fulfilled lives whether or not we become successful, can we not?

these days i find myself asking myself what kind of life do i want to lead? what kind of future do i want? i have no answers, but in the mean time - i press on and do my best at the jobs at hand! being the best child of God, physio, daughter, girlfriend, sister, friend that i can be (: to be faithful in the little things (one of my mottos in life!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sr9Xmr3vjTc
an old song i love

i only have a few weeks left to my next rotation, and i must say - i think I've learnt a lot working where i am. not just the clinical aspect, but about life. dealing with real life problems and real social issues and seeing people towards the end of their lifespan has really got me thinking about the kind of life i want to lead. it has given me a much greater perspective - that sometimes, we strive so hard - but do we know what we are striving for, and what it will all come to at the end of the day? I'm not saying we shouldn't put in effort, but sometimes, we need to learn that there are other things in life that are important too.

ive also come to realise that very often we think that we know better than others, we know best, when perhaps we really dont.

anyhow, im excited to see what this change will bring, it has been an awesome rotation and i think ive made the best colleagues i can ever make - and for this im truly grateful. But I've learnt that I'm someone who appreciates changes, and how little milestones for me to look forward to helps to keep me going! ^^

im also really excited to see pandas this weekend, so lets get through this friday (TGIF!) and have an awesome weekend. <3!

my body has been feeling strange of late. sometimes knowing too much makes me paranoid and worry about everything which probably makes me feel worse. probably some form of psychological effect!

i think adapting to a big change in terms of having another person in my life has been more challenging then i thought! of course, it has been an amazing journey and im thankful how things turned out. but its difficult juggling all these commitments.. i think initially it was just adapting to work and having family around (ie family commitments) and friends and church/cg and it was quite good. like i could fit me-time and friends and family all pretty well i guess. but it was struggling with the whole concept of work in the light of our christian faith & temporal life on earth.

now, im still struggling with work - but more accepting of it as an essential part of life. and how God intended things to be. and things are falling more into a routine (kind of) but then its then easy to just go through the motions of life and not stopping to think. or to focus on what needs to be done. or just feel very distracted somehow.

so im here to stop & say hello (: and may the rest of august be good. no more ndp rehearsals on sat! ^^

there are days like these where random dreams come and i feel lost thinking about my future again. then again why bother, when the next 6 years are not really within my control anyway, yet i believe there are still some choices - within certain boundaries i guess.

and here's to the end of my PTC week, to the end of quiet mornings for me to wake up slowly, have a good breakfast, read, before heading off to work. quiet evenings in the hospital. it has been a good week; ive enjoyed the change (:

and well august is here! "school" is starting soon. new rotation soon. excited! i think im someone who embraces change. to a certain extent. hahaha

and this is my prayer

"so the word of the Lord continued to increase and prevail mightily"

thankful for extended time to dwell in the word of the Lord this week. it is truly comfort to the soul.
thankful that ive found my lifelong partner, and i know more than ever that he is the one that God has brought into my life and he is the one i am to love and to work out all issues with, to journey together and to reflect God's holiness in our relationship
thankful for brothers & sisters in Christ, to journey life on this side of heaven together, and to encourage and build each other up
thankful that I can call him abba Father! for without Him life will truly not be the same
thankful that I have a job (: that even though working is tough, i am able to be part of his creation in this way for this season

if we do things for others to see, we will have no reward. but the Lord who sees in secret would reward us in heaven

its hard to blog about work as compared to school cos there are so many sensitive issues that is not good to talk about publicly!

but anyway, i guess there are other things to talk about other than work.

i got back with justin a few weeks ago. and well, getting back with someone you've dated before is very, very different. i didnt expect that there will be too much spark/'over the moon' feeling but there was. many people were happy for us and im thankful for all their support (: but! that also didnt last too long, i guess it was easy for us to slip into the "comfortable" zone where all we wanted to do was nua really really easily. and then it was also easy to slip into taking each other for granted and getting irritated easily really quickly as well. so well, there's still a lot to learn but im glad though that we are learning & trying to put God in the centre of our relationship(: that makes truckloads of difference

its so easy to get overwhelmed by the slightest things.. need to learn to keep calm and

Hello july

and so here we are, second half of 2014. Time truly does fly by

I wonder what I've done and I've tried tracing significant events each month but I need to dig up that piece of paper again. It's funny how we always hold on to past memories and try to remember as much as we can but there is only so much our brain can hold.

yesterday, today and tomorrow has enough to handle in itself.

but my favourite month of June is now over and, I must say it was a good month, I had a lot of fun and God has been real and faithful. looking forward to a busier second half of the year and adapting to big changes in life.

bring it on, I say (:

hello june

june is here!!! june is my favourite month of the year, so please be a good month june 2014! ^^

church camp next week  & holiday with my parentsss - dont see how bad my june can be! i sound like a kid dont i. i feel like a kid ranting about having to work to j because he seems so grown up in handling working life. all i do is ... act like a little child.

yesterday's day of prayer was an eye opener though - amongst other things it made me reflect on the attitude that i brought to my job. of needing to look at each elderly as an individual with a story, to look upon them with love and compassion. sometimes its so easy to just want to get through the day and get through the load that i forget that each of them is someone with a soul, with needs and wants and desires. sometimes because they lose the ability to articulate those needs, that i brush these needs, wants, desires aside. O Lord, forgive me for my cold & hardened heart, soften my heart and give me the compassion and love for every single soul you place in my path. not for compliments or for appreciation or for accolades/achievement, but may my audience be You.

i had a really really enjoyable weekend. very yummy brunch with good company, another good heart to heart talk, quiet celebratory night with the family, bbq with the sec 1 girls (who have so much energy - where i went "im too old for this..." but looking at them reminds me of those who had once invested in me, and now i hope to invest in them, im not sure how - but somehow when God opens doors. and global day of prayer which was great (: packed but funfilled weekend! no wonder i was so tired this morning, but! here's to an early night and an awesome four more days of work

goodnight world x

i find human beings really funny sometimes. it seems to me that people are always setting "rules" and what is "good" or not for others but when it comes to themselves, they do different things in different circumstances. it is evident that one standard "rule" cannot apply to different situations very often, yet we often jump to put our opinions onto other people. but when we ourselves are involved in a particular situation, i think we tend to act very differently ?

so perhaps need to take what people say with a pinch of salt, and watch our words closely before giving people advice/opinions or ask ourselves if perhaps we are almost forcing our opinion on others??

sometimes we go through life in an endless pursuit. yet we dont really know what we are chasing after, at the end of it - how will we determine if we had a good life? all in all i hope to be contented with each and everyday :) simply with what the Lord has provided me with! that at the end of the day i can say that i am thankful with the years and months and days ive been given, and im ready to be with Him forever. hahaha ^^

how do you know if its love? what is love anyway

love defined by God and love defined by the world.

sighpie.
my fingers are sore from trying to practice for worship tomorrow and i still cant decide which key to play in. why is something so simple so difficult! rawr.

its friday. TGIF!

working every other day can become so draining as well because its like a high low high low
& its may already ! im definitely not looking forward to may - the months looks packed + work looks busy. but come june its church camp & my birthday month so that will be good (i hope!)

so many thoughts in my mind now that its almost suffocating. :X

can we ? will we ?

really thankful for the weekend away. away from everything that has been weighing upon my heart the past few months. all the changes that drove me to the brink of what i could take so very often . it has been tough - dealing with issues of life, issues of heartache, and adapting to the whole idea of "work". it was tough emotionally i think; more so then physically.

i really appreciate quiet walks, being in sync with nature, having calm blue-ish waters and lying there with a book and my journal. i appreciate time to think, and reflect - although sometimes that can drive me crazy.

it was also easter weekend. a time to remember the grace of God, the love of God, the victory of God, the glory of God all displayed on the cross. death, and then resurrection. salvation. how deep the father's love for us

the only thing i could not run away from though- my own thoughts and emotions.
fighting emotions can be so tough.
but i want to become a girl who is full of heart and emotions, and yet strong enough to not let them get me down.

ive been thinking so much about you and everything that has happened.
it has made me re-evaluate as well the kind of guy/relationship i want. sure i had a whirlwind romance, one where i felt like i was living in a korean drama. but if there was no lasting commitment, no enduring love, no willingness to fight things through.. then is it something that i want? is it something that would last?
many people go through similar hurdles of distance. many fail, some make it through - i guess those that do - are truly the ones who are meant to be, who deserve to be together. i guess slowly i am learning to let go. i once said i would wait, but i realised perhaps waiting is not so wise afterall. perhaps first i need to  release myself from the pain and hurt that im holding on to. and so what is love? is love all the sweet things you can do for a girl, all the sweet things you can say to a girl. or is it, a quiet stable sort of love, one that is ready to say sorry, one willing to think for others, patient, enduring, forebearing, a love that pursues, a love that imitates the love that Jesus had
or perhaps - its different for different people too

well i dont think ill have my answer anytime soon. but this weekend was significant in my journey of grief & healing. thank you Lord <3

last of all though congrats to my dear friend getting married! its truly an exciting journey, and i pray sincerely that God will be the foundation of their relationship and that it would truly reflect His love and His presence in their lives. loveeeee you!

i really appreciated this weekend. had a busy week at work + taking public transport for the entire week drained me a little. but little joys like having a childhood friend at work :) baking session + family outing (cycling & dinner), church on sunday + coffee with a good friend really really made my week.

woke up to a photo that threw me off and dampened my mood but im glad it was a sunday :) going to church and observing the youths was such a pleasant experience. as well as coffee run. coffee was not too bad and i really enjoyed the conversations we had. just sharing and having someone understand, and struggle together asking what this life is all about. whether this is how we are meant to live. sharing about our struggles about dealing with our fears and thoughts. we might not have all the answers now or even in this day or age but at least we know that we have the hope of a better future, and we are not on this journey alone.

so so thankful though for family & friends who have supported me through this transition into working life. i never thought it would be this hard, have never felt this lost in life before coupled with the transition in other areas which makes it an even bigger transition.

and i know i should be a lot more grateful for this job i have, which i am, i just have some thoughts & struggles & questions.

so well, four more days to go before the long weekend:) press on peeps:D

when people ask me how's work. i dont really know how to reply them. its hard to put things into a few sentences you know, its hard to even put it into words - the emotions and thoughts i have. i mean honestly there is nothing much to complain about my job - its good hours, its decent, and im happy there in a way. but there are still questions, doubts that i have - things that i wonder if people can ever understand. what do we look for in a job anyway? 

to be faithful in the little things first, is what ive learnt. 

we always want to do big things, great things, but we need to start small. and sometimes all we need to do is to be, to be a child of God, loved by Him, loving Him and loving others. 

life on earth, is truly such a struggle... yet marked with tremendous joy. yet marked also, by trials and pain. oh how confused can i get

but tomorrow is a happy monday :) looking forward to having a childhood friend @ work! new people entering, and a lovely dinner to follow. (:

its thursday! how time flies when you're working, truly.
made a mistake at work :/ at the worse thing is i cant even remember it because it was so long ago! i guess these things happen dont they, and i guess it keeps us humble, keeps me humble. reminds me that its all a learning journey and we are all growing.

thankful though for little encouragements at work! :>

many question marks.

oh you know
it was a good monday today & im feeling much better

times where i feel like okay, perhaps everything will turn out okay afterall.
but you know once in a while emotions hit, negative thoughts hit. and doubts creep in.

this week, i pray for the strength and resilience to stand against the devil. to stand against these emotions, thoughts, doubts.

to learn, as ive learnt from passion and purity, to direct my waiting, my desires towards God instead. to learn to control and surrender these desires instead of acting upon them.

oh, life is tough indeed.
growing up is tough.
its fun & exciting when things are going reasonably well.
it becomes harder when things are not going as well, when you feel lost, uncertain.
oh how ive failed to see sometimes from the perspective of others, too quick to think a certain way, how we let circumstances define us too much perhaps.
perhaps... im just lost.
well, we all learn

gave my heart away too many times.

prov 4:23 - above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
and yet, the heart is deceitful above all things (jeremiah 17:9)

so complicated, this life, yet if i have but one focus -

this week my life took a 180degree turn. really thankful that the week is now over, things have been settled, albeit sadly. but im glad we can move on and begin this new phase. the end of something is the start of something new, right? it will be difficult, it is difficult, but i am still thankful for God has been so good & faithful despite this difficult time. times when my emotions are literally tearing me apart and i dont know how to go on, and i can only cry out to him to ask him to sustain him. times when he ask me "will you trust me?" and taught me to let go and surrender this to him because he knows what is best for me, his sovereign loving kindness does not fail. and even when man fails, God doesnt. at least ive a new opportunity to start things right, perhaps. next time, we shall start it right.

learning how to surrender, even in tears.

3 weeks in and im starting to settle in a lot better(: thankfully! thankful that i get to enjoy dinners at home with my family, and get to have some form of work life balance still (: 

i miss baking though! shall bake one of these days..

two weeks in. it has been up & down experience. pretty overwhelming, and stressful. yet thankful for the support of colleagues(: different environment requires adapting which requires time.

clar got baptised today (: what kept me sane this week was the moh workshop, meeting of old friends and housemates. reminders through people of God's encouragement, reminders of what my life should be anchored upon, thankful... it is so easy to be caught up with work. to be caught up with life. and you start to wonder, what is life about? when you see people towards the end of their time on earth, it truly makes you reflect and think - how do you want to live your life, what do you want to focus on? we cant do everything, limited time space resources. we are finite, God is infinite. we cant excel in everything. we need to know, i guess, the giver of life, the purpose of life, the hope in life, the anchor of life.

we learn, only to learn again.
we dont stop learning

first day of work tomorrow!
excited; ready to embark on this new season;
remember to embrace both the good & the bad
and that work is something temporary, dont miss the bigger picture of the Kingdom of God!

yay (:

j&i turned one yesterday! it feels a bit strange because even though we've been together for one year, we spent more than half of that apart. so its been very different. we needed to learn to cope with the challenges that come with an ldr, sorting out issues through technology instead of face to face (but i guess, we also have to extremely grateful for technology! otherwise we might be stuck with having to write letters and wait for weeks/months for that one letter or just really expensive phonecalls). but yeah! its truly been an experience and i think ive learnt/grown (him too i hope!) through all this. & at least we're now only a 5 hour car ride/1 hour plane ride away as compared to 7-8 hours plane ride. ldr has been tough & no one knows what the future holds, but like he always says, we can trust that God is in control and our future will be whatever He deems best.

on the other hand im really glad i went for prayer&praise last night. p&p at this point doesnt mean much to me since i just came back, am yet to be connected back to a cg and am still trying to settle back in. easy as it sounds, as homely as it may be, there are still adjustments to be made and things to get used to. that being said, im still really thankful that i have a home church to return to(: however, i was really reminded of the importance of coming together as a community to support & encourage each other in this journey. and also reminded about prayer from the book of matthew, chpt 6. he went through the purpose of prayer, the promises of prayer and the power of prayer. ive always been one to struggle with prayer because its something i dont think ive grasped fully as a reality in my life. i know what it is and i can describe its power but i dont think its a reality in my life. perhaps i have yet to fully understand what the power of prayer is. but before that i need to understand the purpose of prayer, the purpose of prayer is definitely not for us to gain glory or for others to see, it is not something we do "for show", but it is about God's glory. first and foremost prayer is not about us, but about Him. so it doesnt matter where we pray, how we pray, whether in front of others or not, thats not the key, the key is God. prayer is a continual communion with God, it isnt performing for people. we need a pure heart as we come before Him in prayer. i hope that this year, ill be able to learn how to pray as someone who believes fully in it, knowing that God will answer, in His own time & in His own way, but He will answer. 

ill just end off with a couple of quotes from the sermon 

"prayer is much more God instructing us than ever it is God being instructed by us" - martin luther

"prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God" - mother theresa

Lord, teach us how to pray

Centre down

I realised how the environment/culture can really change someone. Reflecting back on Korea really made me realise how conducive Australia is/was for me to grow in God and learn more about what it meant to have a God-centred life. Being here, it's really fun and I love the food & shopping & liveliness. But In the midst of cosmetics, makeup, fashion, drinking, having fun, dating, it makes me wonder where God is in all this.. 

It makes me think about myself and how my thoughts can be so preoccupied with things that are of secondary importance, but the world tells you it is of utmost importance. And it scares me to think of how I could be like in a few years time, will I be caught up in the Singaporean mindset, rather then the God mindset? Will I be willing to be different, to not fit in, if that is what God is calling me to? 

Where consumerism is so rampant, where the concept of 'I' is so important, how I feel, what I want, my happiness, I feel like an oddball In wanting to pursue God and His holiness

Yet it is only by His grace that I am where I am today. I'm thankful that Australia had taught me to slow down, to quiet down, and to centre down on Him. To think, reflect, meditate, away from the noises of this world. I'm thankful for friends that encourage me and push me towards God, friends that journey alongside me so I don't feel so alone. Friends that inspire me to model after them. Thankful for the opportunity he has given, for me to see things in a different light 

And what happened to helping the less fortunate, of giving up a comfortable lifestyle to contribute to the needy? To spending time with god everyday and falling in love with him more and more each day. What happened? 

Please don't let go of me God, for tonight I am humbled by Your revelation to me about the condition of my heart, and how easily I am swayed. I do like it here, I do. I even told myself I want to come back again, which I may. But tonight, something just hit me.. 

Stand firm on the truth of God. To be in the world but not of the world, it's tough, very tough. To only have one master. You can only love either god or money. To have no other idols before Him. 

Let's not be defined by culture but by our identity in Christ

Reminders that I need to hear, I do. I miss those conversations. 

Will talk about Korea some other time! It has been great, nonetheless.

2013

Happy 2014 to all you people out there x

and here, the special girl in my life who took leave to pick me from the airport! so touched. she stayed over too and we had a lovely time watching frozen! reliving memories of watching animated movies like brave the last time she came to brissy. sorry if i was too tired to talk much into the night  ): but im sure we have many more opportunities to come (:

2013 has been a great year as well, from what i remember
1. i baked pineapple tarts myself for the first time! first year spending CNY away from home. it was a different experience and i was thankful for the physio family i had there
2. placements
3. completing my thesis
4. graduation
5. leading ocf
6. lots of baking
7. ldr
8. cairns
9. family trip to nz
10. impulsive trip home in the middle of the year
11. breakthrough in dealing with b
12. learning to break out of my own comfort zone & circle
13. zak's visit to bris
14. new and awesome housemates

too many things to think about. shall stop here and elaborate on 2013 some other time!
happy 2014(: