http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-value-of-knowing-how-god-saved-you - one of my biggest struggle. not that i dont think that its all God's work, i dont think believing in something that is done is any work at all. i do think God has played a huge, tremendous part in me being able to accept Him but then again i struggle with the opposite. for those whom God did not "choose". do humans play a part at all? what is human's responsbility? could it be both? is Christianity a passive thing? or is God at work but we do are responsible? for eg when we struggle with sin, God helps us deal with it, but that doesnt mean we dont struggle with sin too. isnt it?

): these things really trouble me sometimes, and sometimes i need a break and a time to just enjoy the presence of God. Could intellectual godly talk actually be a stumbling block?

anyhow, lets let that go for now.
Im learning how to appreciate life for what it is instead of hanging on to things that perhaps, are not as important(: being someone who hoards like no one's business i think its important for me to look beyond physical things, look beyond the surface to the actual living itself.
 http://www.allisonvesterfelt.com/blog/sentimental-attachment

ive also learnt how its so easy for one to twist one's words to make things sound nicer. most people do it, even I myself. ): sometimes people can be so pretentious. not intentionally, but subconsciously, we make things sound better or make ourselves sound better.

first week of placement was refreshing and eyeopening and im really thankful to be able to see what community health is about! something i'll never get in my little country back home. 4 more weeks to go:)

9 more weeks of placement + thesis (need to do sth about this) + 1 week lecture + exam = end of my undergrad!

admin stuff to clear to get home are things like selling the car + packing up + shipping + selling stuff + plan dates for family travel + dates to go home + employment stuff

it seems overwhelming at times but i think we just need to tackle this step by step I guess! sometimes you just cant wait to start a new phase but i need to remember to enjoy the grand finale first!

have a great weekend x

one step forward, two steps back

im here, but not here.
i dream, yet i dont know what i truly want. at this point though, it does not matter.
im drained, i dont knw what went wrong but
i guess ill bounce back up again.

on a side note, i love having my own desk. or at least until the novelty wears off. i love being out in the countryside and enjoying the fresh air.

but when i am weak, You are strong

today, i am cryptic.

Bread Pudding Recipe

Made bread pudding (3 lots) over the weekend last week and apparently everyone really loved it! Modified recipes from a few places so here's the one I used.

7-9 slices white bread
2 tablespoons butter, melted
3 eggs, beaten
1 cup milk
1 cup cream
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla
optional: 1/2 cup raisins, flaked almonds

1. cut the bread up into cubes and arrange around the circular pan.
2. Beat all the other ingredients together and pour over!
3. Move bread pieces around gently such that all bread has been soaked with the egg mixture. but the bread should not be submerged under the egg mixture!
4. bake at 175 degree celsius for about 45mins or until the bread springs back up!

Sauce:
1 egg
1 1/4 cup milk
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp butter
1-2 tbsp coffee flavoured baileys (optional) or vanilla essence or cinnamon (optional - depending on the flavour you want!)

1. Mix all ingredients together and heat over medium heat, stirring continuously so that the egg does not start cooking until the sauce thickens.
2. Pour over bread pudding or leave it in a bowl for other to decide how much they want to pour over!

Honestly, its very modifiable depending on the taste you want, so feel free to experiment! 

With the coffee/baileys infused sauce everyone loved (:

funny how my broken chinese has finally been put to good use and (hopefully) made a difference in someone else's life. its really interesting how everything happened but i sat in the ambulance for the first time in my life! dont worry about me i was just tagging along. but it also showed me a mother's love for a child, something i have yet to experience but hopefully will one day! it also gave me more interaction with chinese people which ive been thinking about.. 

on another note, i need to learn to be humble! i realised its so easy to become caught up in what i think/believe and it makes me not see other's perspective. in order to learn and grow, i think we need to learn to listen to what other people have to say and to let go of my need to be correct, and to basically be humble enough to know that my pov is not the only/best/right pov even though i can have my personal convictions. bottom line: be humble! and be meek.

now, take a shower and breathe and lets do this report step by step. BREATHE. 

My restlessness over the past few days have really made look forward to the next placement. I dont know if I'm just being moody or if there's really anything bothering me or what but thats just the way it is.

But I'm thankful today. thankful for the netball team that I have that I can play netball every week even though I'm not that great at it. Thank you for allowing me to experience playing team sports and being part of a team.

I thank God too,for renewed friendships, for the courage of a friend to talk things through face to face despite the awkwardness and humility needed.  It meant a lot to me even though it might not have seemed so.  Even though it brought up past hurts and past mistakes which also hurt, I'm glad he made the effort to resolve it. Not because it wasnt resolved on my part, for honestly, that was the least of my hurts and unresolved issues that I had to go through and I had moved on since.  Perhaps because I was so disappointed that I let go of the friendship completely and did not expect anything. But still, I'm thankful and it encouraged me to see God work in the lives and hearts of other people too.

A friend leaves tonight as well and he wrote me a card, albeit unexpected. Unexpected that he would bother to write a card for me, unexpected that his card would bring tears to my eyes.  like he said, we're not really close friends but i guess, a person doesnt have to be close to make an impact in your life. He reminded me that I have friends who care about me here too, there are times when I feel so tempted to say I have no friends, or that all that I do is in vain. But I guess there are some people who do see the effort I put in. that I do have friends although our friendship may be different. yah i might just be falling into the trap of words that people say but it still means a lot to me!

Sometimes I feel like I've really been through so much here. Each year brought so many challenges of its own and they were all on top of my studies. Four years later, I'm now hopefully a matured and more humble person and all ready to go back home! I thank God for each and every memory, both good and bad, but I'm also ready to move on.  As much as I will miss this place, miss the people here, but I've seen so many people come and go that sometimes it feels like its my turn too.  such a internal struggle sometimes. being at a place temporarily. or not?

makes me wonder if the future leads me to another country, what happens then? life is indeed fleeting

there are times when things really get to me and perhaps i let it get the better of me. why let something that someone else is doing affect me?

but today and yesterday i was reminded of how we are to live together as children of light. how we are to speak to one another in psalms and spiritual songs. to always give thanks and praise His name. there's so many positive things to dwell on, so my dear, dont dwell on the negatives. learn to build up and encourage rather than tear down. instead of "foolish talk and crude joking which are out of place, let there be thanksgiving". its okay what others do, for we are not here to please men but God.

so let go, let go and walk the journey.

and do your thesis! ):
2 more weeks to placement 3. going to start panicking soon.

sunday the sabbath

haven't done any work today but ive done a lot of thinking and i went for a run! (:

http://elibishop.com/2011/07/27/10-myths-about-introverts/

some of these apply to me very strongly! i didnt even think much about the introvert extrovert thing until i came to australia. i think ive really grown to understand myself better and accept things about myself. although i still struggle with it, and i dont like to be misunderstood, but ive learn to find my security in God. to know that even if people think about me wrongly, or even if people do not like me, its okay. i dont have to be miss popular or the one that everyone loves or the center of attention or the social butterfly, but im content with the friendships that God has given me and I invest in them, share my life with them and simply be a friend. too much hanging out can really drain me, but having deep personal conversations can go on for hours at end.

i hope though, that people are able to look past my flaws and see God who is working a change in me as I grow and mature. that people will see beyond me to see the God who created me and who moulds me.

This is something that a close friend shared, something I hold closely to heart, a difficult prayer, but a sincere one.

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me and deliver me, Jesus:
From the desire of being esteemed,
From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honoured,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred to others,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved

From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebuke
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being suspected.

And Jesus, grant me the grace to desire
that others might be loved more than I
that others may be esteemed more than I
that in the opinion of the world others may decrease and I may increase

that others may be chosen and I set aside
that others may be praised and I unnoticed
that others may be preferred to me in everything
that others may become holier than I, provided that I become as holy as I should.

this is so difficult sometimes, to really cast aside the "self". but a sincere prayer that i hold on to and struggle with and would like to share with you. the same friend shared with me how she read a book about a guy who lived his life to be forgotten, if only Christ will be remembered... so much to learn

Matcha Swiss Roll with Red Bean filling

Made matcha swiss roll the other day! It was okay, not very sweet! some people liked it and some people didnt. im not sure if the slightly brown skin made the taste different, might try a different recipe next time and see! its quite fun to make swiss rolls though. might try a chocolate one next time. 

modified from: http://en.christinesrecipes.com/2010/06/green-tea-matcha-swiss-roll.html

Ingredients :

6 egg whites

9 egg yolks 

100+60 gm caster sugar

90m plain flour

25m corn flour

50ml olive oil

3 tbsp hot water + 2 tbsp green tea powder

Filling: 300ml double cream + 6 tbsp sugar + red bean paste (soak red beans, cook with rock sugar, boil until reduced to redbean paste) 

Steps: 

1. Preheat oven to 200C. (I tried 220 and it burnt very quickly!) 

2. Stir in green tea powder into hot water and mix thoroughly. 

2&3. Green tea powder mixture and flour mixture 

separated eggs!

 3. Mix plain flour and corn flour

4. Whisk egg yolks with 100gm sugar until smooth, creamy but not bubbly. Stir in tea powder mixture and combine well.

5. Using electric mixer to whisk egg whites until bubbles form. Add 60gm sugar a bit at a time (about 3 portions) and beat until stiff peaks form

6. Fold in egg whites to egg yolks mixture, 1/3 at a time. Sift in flour mixture. Fold. Add in oil and fold until ingredients just incorporated. 

7. Pour batter into lined baking tray (used a small cookie sheet and then a small rectangular pan for smaller ones) and level it (impt! otherwise the roll wont be smooth). Bake 10-15 mins or until golden brown (not too burnt)

this wasnt as level as it should be. it was my first one so i learnt from it! the other two were better.

8. Remove from oven and cool for 5-10 minutes. 

9. When warm, flip the cake onto a tea towel and peel off the top baking paper. cut 3 slits on one end of the swiss roll and roll from that end, the tea towel ensures it doesnt stick to each other. (this stretches the cake so it doesnt break from trying to roll later on!)

not the nicest looking but its the inside anyway. haha but this is the 3 lines that were made at the end before i started rolling!

10. Once cool, unroll, transfer to baking paper, spread filling over and roll it back. Wrap with baking paper and refrigerate to let it set before cutting! 

(tip: dont put too much filling because it spills out after, a thin layer will do!)

Filling: 

1. Chill mixing bowl in fridge for 15 mins.

2. Mix double cream with electric mixer until it starts to firm up, adding sugar bit by bit as it starts to firm up until stiff peaks (like whipped cream) then mix in red beans!

(not sure if leaving the redbean skin on instead of making it true red bean paste affected it)

tada~ i half expected to fail it so im quite excited at least it looks like a roll! its quite yummy too if you like green tea! I guess not everyone appreciates green tea. 

and to end off, some rice cubes that i made for dinner! arent they cute.