a week has passed since i came back. feels like ages though! although i said that this doesnt feel like home, it is kind of home i guess. contradicting myself. but i feel at home in my room. its small and cosy and i like the feel of it, compared to my room at home which doesnt feel fully like my room, i guess cos i didnt make the decision as to how it was furnished and there are a lot of things in there where it isnt really mine, so it feels different. so im quite excited to get my own house in the future! hope that happens one day. although this will probably make my parents sad, but i think they will need to learn to release me too and be fully happy for me.

ive never really fit in but ive stayed and its the last semester! its easy to focus on the not so good bits - im different, im not really included, im sometimes invisible, i dont like big groups - but its probably better to focus on how I've been blessed - the friends that i can talk to, the people who care for me, the opportunities ive been blessed with to serve. whatever it is - i know that this has moulded me into who i am today. there are times though i still doubt myself, should i have said that, am i being irritating, what do people think of me - but i guess im still learning and im still growing and im not perfect - and thats something i need to accept. and to take the focus off me but to put the focus on God. dont think about ME all the time. be less self-centred.

anyhow, im so excited to graduate that that is all i think about nowadays. its terrible because i still have a sem to go, 2 placements and a thesis in between and this is no time to be thinking about packing up! i hope its just the adjustment and ill be able to settle into work mode soon. haha

i enjoy the freedom and better timing though of talking to j here. ldr is hard but its even harder when the future is so uncertain. im thankful for the opportunity to learn how to communicate, to use words to show love and grace, to learn to accomodate the differences. although its been really tough! i hope that ive learnt to be gentler, more loving, less controlling over time. im thankful though for those who've talking me through the difficulties and enlightened me on certain issues, i feel more at peace now. taking it one step at a time! the journey has been nothing short of amazing and i do hope we can see it to the end, although, im also learning to trust God with the outcome now.

i realised too how much i like being by myself. i find it hard to get comfortable with people easily but i think ocf has trained me in that aspect and ive def grown in that area. but still, i sometimes feel my room is such a safe haven that its sometimes too comfortable. having a guitar and a piano here really helps :) i think j helped me rediscover the joy of music once again so even though im not good at them, they bring me simple but great joy. attended chinese service this morning and it was quite a battle although it was really interesting! its going to be an interesting experience this semester and i look forward to it(: ill be flying through the chinese scriptures in no time! the topic today was on missions and working while doing missions which hit home for me. it makes sense to be able to support yourself while being on missions so as not to place financial burden on others and not to rely on their support, and if i ever go into the field, i think thats something i hope to be able to do.

4 more weeks to go, jiayouu!(: