graduation

my last post didnt publish! so its backdated a few days to just before i left nz.

but anyway, here i am, 2nd last night in campbell street. four years of my life is about to come to a close, and into a new season i come. and im excited(: whats ahead in store for me i do not know, but i know that in this four years, through the hills and valleys, the messiness ive created through time&time, the friendships ive made, the lessons ive learnt, all these have moulded me into a different person from four years ago when i first stepped into Australia. is it a good change? i hope so.

im really thankful that i have this opportunity for my entire family to come for my graduation and travel around NZ with me. many people travel around NZ with friends - we might be able to see more/do more but i wouldnt exchange this for anything in the world. for how understanding my parents have been as well even with the costly mistakes ive made - ive come to realise how supportive they are in their own ways. its tough raising up children and i know all my parents want is the best for all of us.

i am looking forward though to going back home and settling into a sort of routine. not that that is going to happen in the next few weeks, so much is happening that its all kind of a blur.  fly home, j visits (!!yay), korea trip, settling employment stuff, friends to catch up & visit. before i know it, it'll be CNY & ill be starting work. still, im really thankful for this 2 months of play that I get to enjoy before I start work. with great company as well. in fact, all this started from the melbourne trip. one of the longest & more intense holidays ive ever had - which makes it kind of different & special to mark the transition i guess! definitely cant take this for granted though, so many factors was necessary in order for this to be possible.

& lastly, its <72 hours before i see J again. its been 8 months since we've not seen each other (other than through our computer/phone/ipad screens). i wonder how it will feel like, many thoughts run through my head but i guess all we can do is to wait & see what actually happens. its still all a buzz of excitement! i have no idea where we are going to go but i guess that does not matter, does it?

im also so blessed to have a friend willing to come to pick me from the airport & take leave to spend time with me ! the first one to see me the moment i touch down onto home ground. x o

Singapore is my home no matter what people say. and im going back home(:

It's amazing how some mistakes can be so costly, just by missing out one little detail 

It's amazing how a few seconds of an earthquake can cause years of destruction

It's amazing how we can think we are in control of so much but we aren't. We are all prone to mistakes and to the one in control of it all

But at least, I know I can take comfort in that which I hope for, eternity with Christ. Forgiveness through Christ. Perfection through christ at the very end. 

A glimpse of nz! 

At the glacier (: really amazin place!

We can celebrate Christmas wherever we are!

The glaciers ;)

Horse trekking at lake tekapo! One of my favourite places 

Milford sounds (: really serene and peaceful scenery hidden in a corner! Steep mountains rising out of waters, hidden waterfalls and lots and lots of seals!

Lastly, lupins! My favourite purple flower which is actually a weed. Hahaha! 

See you in a bit brissy x

Because how will it be like when we meet again? And how will it be like when you turn and walk away again? 

But for that few hours, it will be worth it. I believe

It's been a good time spent with family and exploring the whole of nz:) such a pretty place! Excited to get back to brissy though and visit familiar places once again (: and then back home to Singapore! Indeed, it feels like a different adventure. It does feel like graduation(: 

For everything that You have provided & blessed me with, thank you (: 

Though patience and love is what I need! Not just to tolerate but to love when it is difficult:) 

preparing for the arrival of the family

this todolist never ends

getting sim cards
changing money
settling car
rent issues
shipping
uni paperwork
contract
registration paperwork
booking accomodation
saying goodbyes

but, if all this would make the trip smoother and better, so be it(: really excited for the next month of family holiday! im sure it will be a whole heap of fun ^^

right now, i just need to get through tomorrow. PEACE!

may He increase, and I decrease

Do we know the weight of these words - to let Him increase and I decrease
to live to be forgotten, so that He may be remembered

For at the end of the day, these things on earth will not matter.
how well we "fit in", how much we achieve (even in our ministry), all this is not about us - can we fully grasp?
that our friends remember not us, but God. is that something we truly understand?

& as i stood there thinking how out of place i was, i also remembered how the few people made such a difference. i learnt so much about what it means to be not of the world. if we do not conform to this world, then the world will not understand why. it will not feel comfortable, it will not feel natural, but that is alright. we do not belong here.

melbourne was good(:
AGM was great. at the end of AGM it dawned on me that this was it. when i said bye to jennibeth, to karina, to rachel. it was like truly saying goodbye. closing a chapter of this season in OCF UQ. everything that I've learnt in the past four years, everything that God has done in me and through me, we're now moving on. emotions overwhelm. beyond the waves & the hugs, and the see you next years, i know, that things will change. but it has been a sweet four years, pivotal moments of my life
when people say that ive done well, i can only say thank you. but it is actually God who has truly given me the strength to pull through. God who has worked in the hearts of me, of those around me, He who has binded us together. who would have known that halfway through i was contemplating giving up? that there came a point where i thought i could not do it anymore. that there were things that i wanted to do but didnt. things that i shouldnt have done, but did. but at the end of the day - it is not about how people think of me or what i have done, but hopefully that they can see, this God who is above all. the God who leads us all, the God who loves us all, the God who is holy and above all. the God who called us into His presence, because when He gets the greatest glory, we get the greatest joy.
because this life we live, we live for christ & christ alone. yet, many of us, especially me, do not understand fully the weight of that sentence.

it is not about me.

& i stand ashamed of my pride and how so very often i put myself at the centre of the equation, how sometimes we think we know better than others, we can do better. even in ministry, but no, God uses the weak, the sinful, the ungodly. and i stand assured of His divine grace, His divine forgiveness, His divine cleansing and I know, that he is working in me to bring me  to completion.

and so, "please be patient with me, for God is not done with me yet."

Melbourne tomorrow!!! Yay :) not as excited as I ought to be probably because of how fast everything is going! 

Nonetheless, really thankful for a morning spent with Rigel dear and a night spent with the housemates for the past sem. There is so much I can say but these girls simply hold a very special place in my heart, have been there through all my ups and downs of the past sem and listen to all my rattles and ramblings - including things that I said that might not be the best, and have accepted and loved me for the sinner I am. These girls are girls that have definitely made a different in my life(: was thinking about it today and just felt kinda sad that it was truly our last day together, but it's comforting to know we can still meet up in Singapore and can spend forever in eternity together. 

Watching hunger games twice was also a great and interesting experience! The new details that you watch out for, a slight change in perspective, reminded me of about time where he lived through everything twice. It's amazing how perspective can turn things around even though circumstances do not change. 

What do we hope for?

All of a sudden, time is running out. The red light beeps and reads "card expired". There is still time, and yet there isn't. Time waits for no man. 

But if we look ahead to see the range of possibilities ahead, then our heart beats with excitement. If we look at the past to see the experiences we have had & lived through, we can smile. If we look at the present moment, if we look around us and realise what we have. When we look up and appreciate that precious relationship that triumphs all

When we realise this life is not about us and the way we think this world revolves us or even the human race

When we realise the bigger picture 

Then we can hope. For what is greater than fear? Hope. 

food and more food!

yesterday, i was privileged to watch two of my friends get baptised! its such a joyous occasion and I'm really thankful that I got to witness it (: One of them is my coursemate whom I started to talk to a bit more this year, and the other is such a cute&funny friend that ive made here. Both of them shared their testimonies which were really encouraging to hear (: its always amazing to hear how the gospel changes hearts and lives. especially when you've been believing something your whole life, what does it take to be able to accept something else or something different? It can only be the work of the holy spirit.  

steph(:

wenxian! she looks really afraid of going into the water haha 

such a lovely smile(: congratulations my friend! really thankful to have met you in brissy & had the chance to go out together(:   

our dinner at kuan yin tea house in the valley! 

we had dinner at kuan yin tea house in the valley! its this taiwanese vegeterian place and i really like the decorations there! i had their sweet and sour pork which was yums! most of all really enjoy spending time with this girl! aha we dont go out often but i always enjoy it when we do(: always great & refreshing to hear someone's honest perspectives about things! whether or not we agree with them

happy smiles:D

brunch w maria!

someone else im really thankful for as well. we were quite close in year 1, have been on/off close over the years but she's always someone that i feel comfortable talking to and someone who has been there as a pillar of support over the past four years. have been spending quite a bit of time together since placements & exams ended and im so glad we did! praying that we will not be jaded by what we are doing and to be able to find out what direction we want to head towards! x

always enjoy having a cuppa @ a cafe

corn fritters! really love sweet potato fritters/corn fritters! really really yums. and a different variation to the normal eggs on bread cos sometimes I get sick of it haha. this was at paw paw cafe! they just changed their menu and there's alot of variety and the food is good. go check it out!

this was @ noriko in the city! this jap/korean place. their pancake (okonoyami?) is super super good especially with cheese!! not sure if ill be going back there again but this is definitely worth a try!

cheryl and i's frozen yoghurt!!!! i love froyo(: so yummy and such a happy comfort food! 

yesterday was an emotional day but i learnt
- not to hold onto money so tightly. as the bible says, you cannot love/serve God and money. you can only choose one. its easy to let money be a major factor in our decision making, or to even fret about things because we cant get the "best value" or etc, but why do we let money rule our hearts?  i think a part of it is the society that we were brought up in, that we are afraid to lose out. but at the same time we shouldnt blame society for our sin, at the end of the day, we can choose to set our eyes on things that matter, and not let money rule our hearts. that is not to say that we arent thrifty, but i guess its a fine line betwen being thrifty and letting money rule our hearts and decisions
- not to compare with other people. one reason why i was feeling stressed was when i compared myself to others and i wanted the same thing. when we are surrounded by people who constantly talk about money, it is inevitable that we think we need to strike a good deal too. but at the end of the day, there is no end to comparisons. so dont, we need to walk our own journey(:
- not to downplay other people to comfort myself & make myself feel better. to comfort myself that im doing something right. if i believe im doing something right, that is pleasing in God's eyes, that God wants me to do out of obedience, that God himself is helping me to grow and obey, it doesnt matter what others are doing. that is their journey and their growth.

so it was an emotional day but a day filled with lessons and im glad that j and i could talk things through without getting emotional and personal, that we can share and grow together and even talk about our flaws, about each other's flaws and not get upset. i think, its a step forward(: even though we tend to highlight how good our bf is by spoiling us or pampering us or etc, it is equally loving when they support us in our growth and point us toward God. of course that can sometimes be hard to swallow, but im thankful that we've learnt and can do it as mature adults (i think).

so other than that, my holiday has been filled with food&friends; and quiet moments with thinking&books&God. need more time with God though instead of getting caught up with activities.

times passes too quickly yet it feels like a long time has passed since exams ended, even though its only been a week! the irony of life. alright, time to start packing. seeya!

Post-exams!

Post exams is always such a great time to chill and relax with friends. It's funny how people ask you so what are you going to do now or what did you do today - when basically everyone is just chilling. Cos when you reply them nothing much, just chilling thinking that maybe they have got something exciting happening they say their doing the same thing too. Haha! That's life after exams isn't it (: 

Blue skies, pretty flowers - makes my heart smile (; 

And guess what I came home to in the mail today!! 4 postcards - 3 from j and 1 from Longyi. I love postcards! It really makes my day when I receive them - receiving so many at one shot (also cos I haven't been checking my mail) really makes my week. 

I've been having some issues with some of my 'friends'(?) here, that receiving these makes me feel really comforted and blessed(: thankful! 

Also really reminded this morning that god really brings us through all, gives us pleasures at his right hand, and truly there is so much to be joyful for(: 

Have a good weekend ahead my friends (:

six more hours!

As restless as I can get, I should concentrate on final revision in the next six hours, or should i not?
Are exams for us to show what we know and have learnt over the semester, or are exams the inspiration and motivation for us to learn and study. if we had no exams, how would that change the learning process? will we still have the passion, the drive to learn?

for example, studying the bible. we have no exams. as such, many of us do not actually know the bible as well as we ought to - considering that it is the word of God, it is our book of life, it is everything to us. is it really? how much information can our brain actually contain? and yet, with exams, we still forget what we learn a few years later anyway (sometimes weeks/days)- this comes back to the fundamental question - how much information can our brain contain? and for how long? what does it take, for us to remember. so if i go for a talk now on lets say, running - and its something im supposedly so passionate about and so interested in and im wow-ed by the information - and then a few years later, do i actually remember what ive learnt?

or is it perhaps - what we learn - we need to put into practice, for it to sink into us and our beings, or if what we learnt is directly relevant to our lives, then it makes an impact there and then and then slowly we acquire new knowledge and information and then we grow from there and then things become subconscious, we forget old things and we learn new things and then we just live our lives accordingly. and also things that are important will resurface again and again anyway - and then it slowly sinks into us.

hahahaha sam and her little bubbles of theory.
okay, this is just me procastinating. well six more hours! lets go(:

24 hours!

Almost there sam!!!! Only 24 hours or so to the start of my final paper. and then im DONE (: all done, we made it!! four years of hard work - uni is. before, everything was a means to an end, p sch, sec sch, JC, kinda. well nothing in life is an end but uni is kind of like a mini end. like all the hard work goes in and you emerge from it different. ready to step into a new world. thats exciting isnt it? we dont know what the future holds but there's a path for each and everyone of us.

all the news about the philippines makes me feel like our problems are so shallow, so superfluous. learn to be grateful ...

such a restless day.
& i poured my heart out and all i got was silence. 
is it worth? to be genuine, when the world is not. 
an emotional whirlwind.
what is the meaning of sorry? why do we say sorry? 
to make someone feel better? to make ourselves feel better?
because we know that we've hurt someone, but we would do it anyway. would have done it, will still do it. & what do we do when we are hurt? but i know, God will give me the strength, the courage, the love to go through this. because man will always fail, but not God.
to look beyond self. and think for others.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvX4q9iuvSw

I could travel over oceans, cross the deserts, climb the mountains Just to share your story, bring you glory, and win souls for you. I could sing like an angel, songs so humble and so thankful Full of drama and emotion, so the world would know your truth. I could give away my money and my clothes and my food To restore those people who are poor, lost, and down-and-out. Oh, I could succeed at all these things, Find favor with peasants and kings, But if I do not love, I am nothing. I could live a flawless life, Never cheat or steal or lie, And always speak so kindly, smile warmly, and go about doing good. I could dedicate myself to do what everyone else wants me to- Listen to them, compliment them, say the things I should. I could show up every sunday, lead the choir and Bible study And they all might come to know me as a leader and a friend. Oh, I could achieve success on earth, but success cannot define my worth And all these actions, all these words, will not matter in the end- Chorus: Songs will fade to silence, Stories, they will cease. The dust will settle, covering all my selfless deeds. So as I strive to serve you, Won't you make it clear to me, If I do not love, I am nothing. Bridge: If I cannot live my life loving my brother, Then how can I love the one who lived his life for me? Sent to earth from heaven, Humble servant, holy king, Come to share a story, get no glory, and save my searching soul, You knew that I'd deny you, crucify you, but nothing could stop you from Living for me, dying for me, so that I would know- Chorus: Songs will fade to silence, Stories will cease, The dust will settle covering these selfless deeds. But your life here has made it clear enough for me to see That if I do not love, I am nothing

so many things we could live for that arent worth living for 
so many things we could do on the outside that might not reflect our hearts
to live & to be true & to love genuinely

dear God, please show me 

Give thanks

Psalms 9:1-2 "I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."

Thankful to the friends that have been encouraging me, listening to me and building me up with their words, with their actions.
Thankful for the opportunity to discuss past year papers with friends.
Thankful for the opportunity to go for a run and have a good breakfast this morning.
Thankful for j who came back safely from thailand and the opportunity to facetime again
Thankful for the people that i find difficult to deal with, because they teach me to grow and to become stronger
Thankful for long calls with je & for the opportunity to support each other in prayer
Thankful for b who cares, and who is willing to ask me whats wrong and to remind me to love and not to let others get me down
Thankful for s for the chinese song that reminded me to obey and follow God with all my heart, all the days of my life
Thankful that even though we are all sinners, we all learn to live in harmony with one another
Thankful
Thankful for m whom ive been spending a lot of time with, that although i always think that im so different from them, there's still genuine friendships
Thankful for the opportunity to go to korea, start work a little later so i can have a good break
Thankful for m who although has changed a lot, is still someone who loves me and whom i love, and is still a friendship given by God
Thankful that I can call God Father, thankful that he has called me into a relationship with Him and that He knows me and loves me. Thankful that through his creation, and through His mighty hand, we can catch a glimpse of His glory
truly, we are blessed x

Like what c said, "take heart in the Lord and reject all negativity! Brace yourself and have a strong heart, tell yourself positive things everyday and not be affected" Sometimes we care too much, but its not good when it gets us down, when it replays over and over again in our minds and torments us. When insensitive words are said, when i feel the need to prove myself or defend myself, when i feel hurt, when i feel like others are wrong. But if God has said that He loves all his children, and nothing can separate us from His love, then who am I to comment or judge? Because the Lord loves, I will love. not love in my own terms, but love in the way God loves - for Perfect love drives out all fear, love forgives, does not get angry, bears all things.

I feel much better now, 5 days of revision (last chance at studying) for the final exam(: Lets go! :D

mixed feelings

going back to sch w mixed feelings. trying my very best not to be negative but there's just so many things that affect me. i dont understand why people must be exclusive, or why people have to fish for information before they are willing to share whats on their mind, or not share until the last minute. people who are double faced/double standards. shant harp on it.

learn to be thankful. to love, to forgive, to think of others before self. learn my dear x

[on a side note, i miss coming home to J who will listen to all my rants. just seeing him alone can make me laugh non stop sometimes. come back from bkk now! ]

cant bring myself to study :/

in the mean time, missing the holidays and the good times that we have x
maybe its silly j enjoying himself in thailand, happy for him though - definitely a well deserved break. cant wait for us to be in the same country again its been 6.5 months and counting and definitely not easy. i really really miss doing so many things together that i would attempt to list them. but i know how crazy/silly we can be/i can be when we're tog. but! as they say, one more day of being apart means one day closer to seeing each other again. press on!(:

churros @ eumundi markets! really want to bring the family there just so i can have more churros. :D

oh how i miss these crazy girls & living together. looking forward to catching up! 

my 23rd birthday with people who mean so much to me 

and i could spend a whole day with these cows! 

on top of the world!

there are certain things that get to me, but that too, will pass. 
at the end of the day, see beyond them and love 

cant stop rolling in bed

because placements are officially over! (:

love having breakfast in bed hahaha

the last placement wasnt fantastic. in fact, there are so many things i could go on&on about but its over and i passed and im done with placements! its almost surreal to know that, the next time i see someone, ill be an official physio. there are times though i still feel like i dont know much but I guess thats why we keep learning and growing! Officially got my starting date approved (: exciting times ahead!

thankful too for fellow physios that i can share how i feel and also get support from them, i guess thats one thing that im really looking forward to back home. the support and feeling comfortable where im working instead of feeling really awkward. there are places where i could get that and places where i couldnt. and that made a huge difference, really praying for good colleagues and environment when i go back!

there were a few things that ive been meaning to blog about
1. BLOOM on the topic of prayer
I really enjoyed the prayer workshop because prayer is something that I grapple with. she started off with saying how there are two ways people think
- God is sovereign so what is going to happen is going to happen anyway
- I pray in order to change God's mind

but the truth is: God is sovereign + We pray = God works.
God works through our prayer. she gave an example of how a mum might be feeding a child. and she gives him 2 pieces of chocolate, knowing that there is more in the fridge and that she will give it to him when he asks. so when he asks for it, she gave it to him. its not a perfect example but it kind of helped me understand it a bit better.

that being said, God can also give us what we do not ask for because of His grace, and in His sovereignty He chooses how we wants to answer our prayer.

there was also this point when she was asking what can we thank God for or what blessings has God showered upon us, and everyone was shouting out "spiritual answers" and she was like you know that material things are also blessings from God. and it just struck me how we always try to make ourselves out to be more spiritual than others but sometimes it limits God in a sense because as the bible says all good things come from God!

also she talked about how the heart of prayer is acknowleding that God is in control and etc

2. About time
this was a good movie! I usually dont do well with time travelling movies since i find the concept very abstract and out of the world, but this was good because I felt like there was a real moral of the story. plus i like the english accent! haha the start of the show was kind of slow and it tooked a while to pick up, but i still enjoyed it nonetheless(:

there were a few things that hit me - if we could go back in time, when would we go back to? would we have changed anything?

there are time when we go like.. i wish blablabla was different/didnt happen/etc.. but then if that one thing changes, then everything changes as well. all our experiences, the good and bad - make us into who we are today. and also how no matter how we try to avoid death, prolonging the time or etc, we have to face it eventually, let go and move on. there was also this part about how do we protect the people we love if we know the trouble looming for them. do we prevent it from happening completely, tell them/nag at them, or let them face it until they come to a conclusion and learn from it?

there was also this question about how do we get ultimate happiness? something i think, i hear/read a lot of people talk about that nowadays - how to have a happy life, how to pursue happiness - the movie talked about how it is about going through each day and enjoying the moment. the dad (i love the dad! he's so cool) asked his son to live through each day as it is without time travelling and face the challenges head on and make the mistakes instead of just going back in time each time he "Screws up" to make things perfect. and then live through the days again a second time without changing anything, and see how that feels. the second time (because he knew the outcome) - he was more able to appreciate and see what was going on around me - the people's emotions/expressions, and also to enjoy the moments much better. and that (According to the movie) is how we find happiness. it isnt about getting it all right, but about our perspective - seeing the good over the bad, taking things as they come and enjoying it.

okay! time to start packing and possibly, start revising (somewhat) for that final exam as an undergrad. yay (:

what if your blessings come through raindrops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc

i am too emotional for my own good.. was fighting to hold back tears at work today. i didnt think there was anything wrong with me but she did. my nervousness, my lack of confidence, my judgement calls.. nothing went well today. as each patient passed, my confidence took a bigger hit each time.

how ironic because yesterday when i was reflecting on my day this was what i said "thesis submitted, graduation filed, 6 days left for placement and one exam. the end does fly by doesnt it! sometimes the last bit gets really draggy and you really cant wait to get it over with, but this time, i feel like time is passing so fast and im trying to grab hold onto whatever's left. its scares me now to see how in about two months, i will leave australia and everything will just fade into a memory. even though at the same time, im excited to start a new season of life. oh gosh, i sound confused. i guess this is what they call - mixed feelings."

and today its just one of those days where i feel .. like what am i doing here. why is it so difficult, that after four years, i have yet to overcome this barrier of communication. is this profession really meant for me? will i really get comfortable in this? what am i actually good at doing?! do i actually have to be good at something?

okay too many questions...

[edit: after my netball game]
last game of netball ever over! ): its been such a good time learning how to play a ball game and a team game. ive learnt so much through this and who would have though i would have ever been able to play a ball game??? will definitely miss having weekly netball games. considering picking up a new sport/continuing with something when i go back to sg! the ifs and whens. the many possibilities

last ocf session tomorrow as well. too many lasts. my heart cannot take this.

so there you go, all my emotional drama in 24 hours. BUT, i have my bubble tea from the housemate that i love and loves me very much. i have a muffin and a coffee waiting for me tomorrow morning. SO TOMORROW WILL BE A GOOD DAY. i will have a good breakfast and remember that my Daddy goes with me wherever I go, and I will make it because I know he will bring me through.....

so thank God because He is worthy of all praise and He is good regardless of how i feel or my circumstances. and thank God because I dont have to impress anyone on this earth, neither do i have to prove myself to anyone.

goodnight world! x

why do weekends always pass so quickly?

i feel like im always so unproductive and distracted, is that just me or is that something i can change? was i always like this? sometimes when we look at things on hindsight we dont remember how it was like actually going through it, so although i could tell you how i felt studying in secondary school or jc, it probably wouldnt be 100% accurate because all the stress and feelings associated with those times are now gone and it would be different. im coming to the end of my four years in uni. only four more weeks left! less than a month since the final exam is on the 12th. sometimes i feel like i cant remember so much that i want to go through the four years all over again. to be organised and hoard all the information that i need to store in my brain. yet if i had the chance to go through it all over again, will i be able to retain whatever i set my heart out to study?

when i look at the year ones study i do feel like sometimes i want to go back to the start so i can relearn everything, to really set my heart out to learn and not just study. i always feel like its not concrete information that i have but all these random information floating around my head. or maybe thats the nature of working - that you dont have a set information to learn with defined boundaries but you learn on the go what is required and necessary for the job. but there were other things that took up my time and energy during this four years and i have to acknowledge that as much as i wish i can start all over. that that preoccupied my mind and time and therefore i made do with what was left for studying.

perhaps that was why i was looking forward to finishing up this four years and starting something afresh. but i have to remember that starting something afresh does not mean that it will be perfect or a bed of roses. dont get me wrong, it was still a good four years where i grew a lot in many ways, but sometimes i look ahead and i want to get back on track again. to be focused and to know what i am doing. then i wonder why? what is the importance of that? and as my course is ending, i find myself playing with possible options in the future for further studies. but once i start working there's going to be so many other things coming into the picture - whether it is family, money. its no longer just me and what i want, i have the wait for the right doors to open as well. so i guess i should be rushing into all of this, but to enjoy the last few weeks of my life as an undergrad, enjoy the break that im going to take and start that six years at sgh(:

We also concluded our final bible study on romans - i must say i think ive learnt the most this semester through romans. not particularly novel concepts but putting all these concepts into something concrete and substantial week by week, to get a firmer grasp of the foundation of what i believe in. i must say ive enjoyed it(: i find it strange though, the lack of sharing through these studies. which is something i look forward to when i go back home - if possible, to meet people that are willing to share in depth about what convicts them and how it affects their life. i think through romans i caught a clearer glimpse of the glory of God. of everything that He has planned out and everything that he has blessed up with and all that we have given by Him. although i feel like often, im so caught up with life that i neglect to pause and reflect and meditate on what all these means. i need to stop being caught up ...

im also very thankful for the conversation i had with a friend (or acquaintance?) on the bus! initially i felt  like it was going to be an awkward bus ride, bumping into someone you're not that close to and not sure if she's going to sit with you or not, but she did, and we chatted. and it was so amazing. i felt like it was such an encouragement for us to be able to share about how we felt - working in a different cultural environment and the struggles we face, and the struggles we face with the interactions or people around us without feeling like others are going to judge us. we didnt go into much detail, but at least i know that im not alone. that its alright to have issues at times. because superficially everything can seem alright, everyone can laugh and it is as though everyone is happy and get along, but underneath because we are humans and because we sin and because we are different, there are bound to be some issues. not that we cant get over these issues, we learn to love, we learn to be at peace despite all these, but at least it was affirmation that it was okay and normal to have issues. that im not trying to be difficult and picky with everyone. that i can be grateful and yet still have things i struggle with at the same time.

yesterday's conversation with J was also a ? wake up call. it was hard to swallow and it was easy for me to feel and become defensive. but i guess there was truth in what he said. i should not deserve gentle talks and kindness all the time. that i need to learn to be okay even when things are uncomfortable. i need to handle when people are different and do things differently. i need to handle things out of my comfort zone in order to have a breakthrough.

so press on we go, the 30 days begins(:

our battles

have you ever battled something within you, that doesnt feel a part of you? it feels as if something else is taking over, as if you're losing control over your own self; and yet, its still very much apart of you. have you ever told yourself tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow i will try again, over and over again for years? have you ever wanted to start afresh, start on a clean slate again so tht the past can be wiped away? and yet, you know the past will never fully go away, the past defines the present, which defines the future. but we can also make it such that the past does not fully define the present, because each day is a new day, a new day where we can make new choices, better choices.

have you ever felt trapped in your own body, your own thoughts, in the same cycle over and over again? it takes lots to break a bad habit doesnt it? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-clear/breaking-habits_b_3540148.html

step by step my dear, step by step. lets fight on

netball

in my little space here there are times i want to rant. today the topic is on netball. why is it my passes do not go in the direction i wish for it go, at speed at which i want it to go. why is it i am always either 1 second early or 1 second late. why is it that i cant jump that 3cm higher. why is it even bothering me that i cant play netball as well as i want to, when three years ago i would never have thought that i could even manage a ball game. but one that a friend said to me always sticks - a team game is always a team game, no matter how well or badly you played as an individual - a team game is about a team working together and not about you. there is no such thing as i played badly today and i let the team down, because we play as a team. and we've got each other's backs. so thank you, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of a team, and thank you for allowing me to learn what it means to be a team player. when all my life - its pretty much an individual sport. i would defend track and cross as team events - but its still different. today, i miss days when sport was part of my everyday life. but today, i also give thanks that sports was part of my everyday life, and that even in australia i had the opportunity to try something new. 

today i aim (aimed) to be in bed at 930 and finish off with a good korean drama and fall asleep at 1030. for that to happen i need to get off my chair and go and shower. but looking at the time now - 9.08pm, im not going to make it in time. sigh pie! so i need to stop letting these thoughts run wild in my head but to get back to what i need to do. BUT THANK GOD TOMORROW IS FRIDAY AND I HAVE NO NEW PATIENTS. but it also means its week 2... and 5 weeks to the end of my university life (5 weeks to finish up what ive left to complete - placement, thesis, exam) on top of holidays and moving home and selling my car/furniture. pretty sure ive said this before so i should actually stop repeating myself. but you see the dilenma in my head. enough rambling.. goodnight! enjoy friday and the weekend x

when things change

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/shhh/ - a very interesting experiment that goes along the lines of what ive been learning about how self-centred we can be. might give it a try one day - have a read!

so encouraged by the people around me over the past few days. im def blessed to have such friends around me although there are times when i feel alone/want more - need to count my blessings! all of a sudden i feel like everything's happening so fast- only 6 more weeks of uni and less than three months in this place which has stolen a part of my heart. yes there might have been unpleasant memories but there have also been many pleasant ones - whatever experiences we go through, it makes up who we are and brisbane has definitely seen me through my step into adulthood. as much as im excited to start a new phase of life back home, it also makes me sad to leave my friends here (who would have thought i would ever feel this way). i never thought i would have anyone to miss - but I do. things have made a big turn in the past year, there are times where i wonder if it could have been that way earlier - where bonds could have been formed deeper, stronger, longer - but then i also remember how the difficult periods of my life made me grow into who I am today. and then i also remember, it could have been the same until the end and no bonds formed at all - which probably would be even sadder. So as much as I feel torned between building bonds and friendships now, only to have distance come between us in three months. i know that all these are God-given gifts that I should appreciate - no matter how short or long they are.

but i sidetrack, and yes, i am starting to feel that tinge of sadness when I think about leaving this place - brissy has indeed been a beautiful city and although i could never understand why people come back within the next year of graduation, and always thought i'd never come back in the next 10 years - now i feel perhaps, there are things and people worth coming back for. its funny isnt it, what being away from home for extended periods does to you. it almost makes you feel as though you live two separate lives..

im thankful for being able to wake up at 5.30 for early morning sunshine and spending quality time with the Father, i really hope i can cultivate this into a lifestyle but its gonna require heaps of discipline. thankful for friends that i can chat endless hours with (although chatting till 6am is def not wise!), for saturday brunches, for lovely housemates, for people who care.

in other news - i have an exciting graduation trip line up coming - something i also never expected. i didnt even plan to have a grad trip! but now everything's falling into place and i know whatever else that should fall into place will. its funny how i dont feel anxious about this lack of a plan in our r/s. to take it a step at a time and go along in the journey. in the past, i would have thought that this is not practical, this would have driven me crazy and over the edge, but for now - simply to trust and to wait. thank you for patience.

in the next 6 weeks - everything's coming together - thesis/last placement/exam/moving home/planning holidays - i feel overwhelmed and also getting increasingly sentimental about leaving. time, please slow down ):

Chocolate salted caramel cupcakes

I made my own salted caramel for this cupcake - glad that it was a success! was so worried since I wasnt using a thermometer. On a side note, MY NZ TRIP IS BOOKED and the itinerary somewhat confirmed - I AM GOING TO NEW ZEALAND FOR 17 DAYS! i am really really excited even though i should be focusing on the impending 1001 things i need to do before I enjoy. But anyhow, I'm so thankful the outline is confirmed so i dont have to stress over it anymore and can start booking things into place. THANK YOU! 

okay back to these cupcakes... 

those were just me testing out my photography skills - wondering which was better. hmm

Here's the recipe! (modified from http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/05/23/salted-caramel-cupcakes-recipe/)

For the cupcakes: 

1/2 cup + 1 tbsp dutch-processed cocoa powder

1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp hot water

2 1/4 cup plain flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup + 1 tbsp unsalted butter, at room temp 

1  & 2/3 cup granulated sugar 

3 eggs

1 tbsp vanilla extract 

3/4 cup sour cream ( i used 1/2 cup sour cream and 1/4 cup cream cheese) 

(and added 1 cup of choc chips)

Frosting:

1 cup unsalted butter, room temp

12 ounces cream cheese (1.5 x 250g is what i used) 

1 cup salted caramel sauce  

2 cup powdered sugar, sifted ** (or add and taste and adapt) 

Steps:

1. Preheat oven to 180deg celsius

2. Whisk cocoa powder and hot water until smooth. in a separate bowl, whisk together flour/baking soda/baking powder/salt (i usually skip this and just dump it in when required)

3. Combine butter and sugar in a medium saucepan over medium heat. cook, stirring in between until smooth mixture. transfer to another bowl and beat (electric mixer) on medium-low speed until you get a smooth creamy mixture and mixture is cool. 

4. add eggs one at a time, mix well after each addition. add vanilla and then cocoa mixture, mix until smooth

5. Add flour (Dry ingredients) in three additions, alternating with sourcream. Mix each addition until just incorporated (use spatula to fold in and some bursts of electric mixer at low speed). Add choc chips!

6. Separate into cupcake liners (~2/3 full). Bake for 18-20 mins. 

Frosting

1. Beat cream cheese and butter together

2. Add salted caramel sauce

3. Add powdered, sifted icing sugar 

(taste as you can and modify!)

Homemade salted caramel sauce (:
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/05/22/homemade-salted-caramel-sauce-recipe/

thats the end of my baking adventure! now, time for a shower and work!

church camps and personal reflections

just back from a church camp which didnt really felt like a church camp. in a way its good because im really not a camp person. i find myself getting very lost in big groups of people and i can feel very uneasy and out of my comfort zone. i find it hard to overcome the barrier of self to get out there, i find myself doubting myself and who i am all the time - which makes it really hard for me to get out there and talk to people because im always overthinking things. which struck me when the ps talked about what breeds differences in the church and he spoke about comparisons - we either feel better than others (breeding pride/contempt) or we want to be like others (envy/jealousy/resentful). im guilty of both. i can get uneasy in my own skin because i want to be someone better, i want to be like someone else - and that shows my pride and selfcentredness that wants people to look at me. its something that im learning to do - to remove the self from the equation. 

security in friendships is also something ive always yearned for - perhaps overly so, in an unhealthy fashion. the need for assurance, for security based on people - it could be a gift from God (Friendships) but am i placing the gift above the giver?

which also leads me to think about what john tells me about myself - how i get stressed very easily/dont cope well with stress. and how i can be a very negative person. initially my pride wouldnt let me accept it, thus the quarrels/disagreements. but now its dawning upon me that its true. I let stress get the better of me; but often i keep things inside so i end up imploding/exploding on the people closest to me - which is certainly not a good thing. I can also tend to focus on the negatives instead of being thankful for what i have - i always felt that i was quite a thankful person - but then there are also times (which can get pretty often) then i feel down about the tiniest things and where things get to me and i harp on it. and then i overlook the positives or i get greedy and want more. i guess these are things i first have to accept so that i can grow as a person. 

there were so many things that struck me at camp too though i need time to process through it slowly (and i will, promise!) - one was how we are the dwelling presence of the Lord - and that is the greatest, highest gift of God which brings us the greatest joy of the Father and gives God the highest glory -  i think knowing God/desiring God would definitely be good books to read regarding this topic. its something that always amazes me when i read about/think about but somehow has not sunk down into the heart/practical level/life yet. will digest this slowly over the next few weeks! 

so there, admit my weaknesses and allow God to work in me and for me to work at it too. now let go and breathe - and get ready for 5 weeks of placement starting tmr. 

its going to an intense next few months but im gonna get there (:

just a song to end off!(:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9t5_ZNmaw

if you die tonight, where will you spend eternity?

If Jesus comes tomorrow, or today, what will you say to him? Will I be ready to meet him?

Questions that we can seemingly answer, yet it does not seem to sink in. I dont think these are questions that sink deep into my heart or that I see as reality. Its questions that seem hypothetical, the IF is bigger than reality, because very often i think to myself (not consciously) that we will always have time, that there is always tomorrow, or that Jesus has forgiven all our sins anyway, and that we're sinners so we cant help it.  there's all this underlying, subtle things that are not true, that we can say are not true, but deep in our hearts, its things that we live out. Time is always such a big factor. Yet how much time do we really have? As I work with people whose time is limited, whose life is not so much within their control anymore - I wonder, how often do we take things for granted.

But God did not save us to continue in sin , but he saved us to become heirs of God, slaves of righteousness. (Romans 6). We declare, "Jesus is Lord" with our lips - but do we declare the same - Jesus is Lord - with our lives?

but that we are mere sinners, in desperate need of a living Saviour.

hervey bay and the whales

Last weekend i drove up to hervey bay to spend time a dear friend of mine who's doing her placements up there! It's about 300km up north (about 4 hours drive or more) so i drove up on friday night. It was a long and tiring drive which also added mileage into my car but I would say its definitely worth it:) It was great spending time with her, the long conversations we had/comfortable silence were things we used to share a lot more often and it was something i really enjoyed & appreciated. What was awesome were also just being in the countryside, where it was quieter, away from the hustle and bustle of city life and complications that life might bring since I was really just away from everything. The scenery was also great! it also psyched me up for the upcoming nz trip so ive been researching on that quite a bit. 

Anyway, we went up to rainbow beach and we went to the carlo sandblows & lake poona. we didnt want to the coloured sands cos it was 2km away but the sand was coloured at carlo sandblows too if you just swiped one layer of sand off near the rocks (coloured sands are a natural phenomenon caused by oxidation of the rocks/erosion - its like a orange colour) apparently the coloured sands have 72 different coloured sands http://www.ourrainbowbeach.com.au/our-rainbow-beach/rainbow-beach/coloured-sands.html

this was us at carlo sandblows! the first thing we said was how touristy we looked so we took another one

the coloured sands (kinda)

<3

from the initial platform! look how much sand there is!

this is the tea coloured lake poona! we did like a 4km round trip trek to get to this lake, it was nice bushwalking but this was the only place you can enter/see the lake so there wasnt much space at all! but there was this family who were so happily spending time in the lake and it just showed me how aussie families really find ways to enjoy spending time together. and it was a really peaceful place too since no one else was around!

next up, whale pics!! we were contemplating going whale watching because it wasnt cheap ~$100 but we did our research and hervey bay is a really fantastic place to watch the humpback whales! anyway these whales are huge ( i never knew that) and look nothing like how we draw them -.- and it was really nice watching the mum & calf go around and yeah we really enjoyed ourselves so no regrets!! we didnt get the tour group we wanted though we wanted to go with freedom but because it was so last minute there were no more spaces so we went with tasman venture. it was alright still!

this is called a breach(:

I was really thankful for the weekend and the time to spend with maria(: kinda miss it from before! i also took time out to spend time with people this week - ice skating/celebrating mid autumn festival/basketball/bowling tomorrow so yeah ive had quite a busy but funfilled week. thankful though for all these friends that i can hang out with even though its kinda strange how all this is happening in my final sem but im still thankful nonetheless & enjoying it as much as i can.

was also reminded of a few things through yesterday's prayer time/today's bs w olivia but more on that next time.

last week of placement next week! may it end well and be a good week for everyone x