i feel like im always so unproductive and distracted, is that just me or is that something i can change? was i always like this? sometimes when we look at things on hindsight we dont remember how it was like actually going through it, so although i could tell you how i felt studying in secondary school or jc, it probably wouldnt be 100% accurate because all the stress and feelings associated with those times are now gone and it would be different. im coming to the end of my four years in uni. only four more weeks left! less than a month since the final exam is on the 12th. sometimes i feel like i cant remember so much that i want to go through the four years all over again. to be organised and hoard all the information that i need to store in my brain. yet if i had the chance to go through it all over again, will i be able to retain whatever i set my heart out to study?
when i look at the year ones study i do feel like sometimes i want to go back to the start so i can relearn everything, to really set my heart out to learn and not just study. i always feel like its not concrete information that i have but all these random information floating around my head. or maybe thats the nature of working - that you dont have a set information to learn with defined boundaries but you learn on the go what is required and necessary for the job. but there were other things that took up my time and energy during this four years and i have to acknowledge that as much as i wish i can start all over. that that preoccupied my mind and time and therefore i made do with what was left for studying.
perhaps that was why i was looking forward to finishing up this four years and starting something afresh. but i have to remember that starting something afresh does not mean that it will be perfect or a bed of roses. dont get me wrong, it was still a good four years where i grew a lot in many ways, but sometimes i look ahead and i want to get back on track again. to be focused and to know what i am doing. then i wonder why? what is the importance of that? and as my course is ending, i find myself playing with possible options in the future for further studies. but once i start working there's going to be so many other things coming into the picture - whether it is family, money. its no longer just me and what i want, i have the wait for the right doors to open as well. so i guess i should be rushing into all of this, but to enjoy the last few weeks of my life as an undergrad, enjoy the break that im going to take and start that six years at sgh(:
We also concluded our final bible study on romans - i must say i think ive learnt the most this semester through romans. not particularly novel concepts but putting all these concepts into something concrete and substantial week by week, to get a firmer grasp of the foundation of what i believe in. i must say ive enjoyed it(: i find it strange though, the lack of sharing through these studies. which is something i look forward to when i go back home - if possible, to meet people that are willing to share in depth about what convicts them and how it affects their life. i think through romans i caught a clearer glimpse of the glory of God. of everything that He has planned out and everything that he has blessed up with and all that we have given by Him. although i feel like often, im so caught up with life that i neglect to pause and reflect and meditate on what all these means. i need to stop being caught up ...
im also very thankful for the conversation i had with a friend (or acquaintance?) on the bus! initially i felt like it was going to be an awkward bus ride, bumping into someone you're not that close to and not sure if she's going to sit with you or not, but she did, and we chatted. and it was so amazing. i felt like it was such an encouragement for us to be able to share about how we felt - working in a different cultural environment and the struggles we face, and the struggles we face with the interactions or people around us without feeling like others are going to judge us. we didnt go into much detail, but at least i know that im not alone. that its alright to have issues at times. because superficially everything can seem alright, everyone can laugh and it is as though everyone is happy and get along, but underneath because we are humans and because we sin and because we are different, there are bound to be some issues. not that we cant get over these issues, we learn to love, we learn to be at peace despite all these, but at least it was affirmation that it was okay and normal to have issues. that im not trying to be difficult and picky with everyone. that i can be grateful and yet still have things i struggle with at the same time.
yesterday's conversation with J was also a ? wake up call. it was hard to swallow and it was easy for me to feel and become defensive. but i guess there was truth in what he said. i should not deserve gentle talks and kindness all the time. that i need to learn to be okay even when things are uncomfortable. i need to handle when people are different and do things differently. i need to handle things out of my comfort zone in order to have a breakthrough.
so press on we go, the 30 days begins(:
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