friendships

i started the year being reminded of friendships. there are days when it doesnt matter so much, im happy with the friends i have and those i can count on. i dont need that many friends anyway - it takes a lot of time and energy to keep up with that many people and when you're in a relationship you have to commit time to it too- not just because you are being exclusive, but because time and effort is required for it. and i do actually have enough friends.

but there are days when i wonder if im that hard to get along with, why does it seem that its so hard for me to make friends, or have a close group of girlfriends i can count on, or maybe there's something wrong with me. but thats when im looking at certain friends who well - didnt really quite work out.

i admit i was slightly disappointed when friends came back and didnt have time to meet up at all. i guess i thought we were close enough to warrant that meetup. not that im not blaming them, but i was looking forward to catching up and i have to admit that i felt some disappointment when no effort was made, yet i understand how its hard to catch up with everyone when its just within a short time frame, and the list of people to catch up with is probably endless. but on friday i was tremendously blessed by the sharing of a close friend - thankful that she chose to share with me something so close to her heart, and to meet up with dear j. because of what happened with the rest, i knew all the more how much this meant to me that she was able to take time out to meet me even though it was one day before her flight, and i was deeply blessed by the sharing. we wasted no time in small talk but we were able to share about our year in great depth (at least to me) and what God has been doing in our lives, and we encouraged each other in that short few hours. i guess thats why we became good friends since 2011 - despite the fact that our meetings are always short and sporadic; and we are never actually living in the same country. in 2011 we first met in sydney, then in 2012 in brisbane over june, and at perth at convention, in 2013/2014 in singapore. its funny how some friendships work, but im tremendously blessed by this friendship, a thousand times over.

but then i went for a wedding where there were so many people i knew, but didnt really know. and it brought back memories of a past that really wasnt the best. i will never know what these people think of me, whether it was because of certain rumours/truths they heard but never talked about; or perhaps we truly just drifted apart. whether it was because it was really the lack of opportunity to get to know one another, or was it something else. perhaps its my own insecurities that holds me back from walking up to them and just talking to them as per normal. perhaps its just not a good fit, and we are just poles apart. whatever it is, it doesnt seem quite right. but i can live without confronting any of these because i am no longer living abroad - but it is at events like these that these thoughts and memories slap me in the face once again.

i wonder if all these should be written on a public platform, but these have been my thoughts over the new year. this year, i promise myself to appreciate those i have around me, to appreciate the person God has made me to be, and not to overwhelm myself with the things that are not meant to be. know that Jesus had close disciples, but he also had many who betrayed him and who never accepted him. friendships are important, but it is not everything. and with that, i want to be grateful for every single friendship that God has blessed me with - thank you for journeying with me through this life on earth, and for making this journey more joyful, more fruitful, making life better and easier.