honestly, it was quite a good day at work. first day of rotation went pretty well, better than i expected. And I got a thank you note from a patient! that was a pleasant surprise in my drawer. (: and a great dinner with a friend!

then came one bad news after another.

disappointment from friendships

from work

stress from trying to schedule in meetings with friends, with mentors, with vendors, with church programs. i dont think im a very busy or popular person in general but why does it seem so difficult to fix a time? 

its been a disappointing night, really. 

tomorrow will be a better day. 

Inside out

I caught a movie yesterday, despite being in the "dating" phase, justin & i hardly have any time for movies at all. It takes much intentionality for a movie run. But I'm so glad we did. Inside out portrayed our human feelings so well - the interaction between various emotions. The reality of sadness; we cant be happy all the time and thats fine.

There are moments of sadness and grief, and they are part of who we are as human beings. These days, I feel like things are piling up on me at an alarming rate. I dont know if its stress or just being anxious or overwhelmed. but the list of things to do does not get any shorter. my BGST modules are piling up, and though I enjoy them, I am not too sure I'll be able to cope. I also seem to go through bouts of emotions that I can't put my finger to.

then there are also friendships and relationships with people to deal with, and that has seem to got a bit more complicated of late.

but, im just here to say that i love the character "sadness" and I hope to get a sadness plushie one day.

xx

Its been a rough two weeks. I'm looking forward to idmc next weekend - a good refreshing break; hopefully some nourishing to the soul!

meanwhile, hang in there. 280 days to the big day! exactly 40 weeks; enough to make a baby. the list never ends but we'll get there. 

CG yesterday reminded me that God reveals himself to us, He is real and He is a speaking God. He reassures us constantly. SURGE today reminded me that sometimes there is no perfect way of doing things, and how heartwarming it can be to see your children get baptised. and how important the youth are. and it reminded me to keep praying for opportunities for us to go for a mission trip together after we get married. 

sometimes, our self esteem and our pride just takes such a big hit.

its been a tough weekEND. for some reason, there's just this sinking feeling inside of me that has also made me make life difficult for j. ):
didnt help that we only had less than half a day together this whole week because of our work commitments, and we had to meet our caterer as well.
we ordered some sample cakelets which I was really looking forward to but turned out to be a huge disappointment, so i was really quite upset!!
and you know its been tough when you're actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. at least, its the routine, it takes your mind off certain things and time passes pretty quickly.

the presentation has also been this constant nag at the back of my mind, told myself not to do anything else until I get it DONE.

but all in all I still hope to learnt to have a grateful and contented heart. So, I'm thankful for
- my root canal which went well and I managed to get an appointment to finish the crown and manage my work processes of going for the appointment
- almost settled with the wedding caterer with a clearer picture of what we want
- we spent 50 dollars to sample the cakes instead of a thousand on the actual order
- I still managed to spend some time with j, and it ended reasonably well after the big commotion
- He picked me up from work
- we went for CG, which was refreshing. seeing how God is sovereign always, despite the mess we humans make.
- September is coming soon

august

August has been a VERY eventful month. after coming back from my Bangkok trip, I had to deal with a stressful day of dealing with a Saturday jam packed with events – run, CG, bike fit (which did not work out), ndp. We have decided to change CGs – which required meetups with various people and a certain element of ‘drama’ with people we had to deal with. I have a presentation to prepare for, a greek exam I just took, we have made progress in our wedding (booked a few vendors), booked our honeymoon (which the hotel has gotten back to me about, yay!!), celebrated national day (one of the best in years), had a 4 day long weekend, went for overnight prayer which increased my burden for the nation – though im not sure what to do with that. I struggle with this daily. 

I have been replying emails incessantly about our vertical marathon - which is happening in 1.5 weeks! I am meeting my caterer this Saturday, collecting my cakelets. Deciding about my macaroon tower, I have done my tooth last week, and am taking another planned MC on Tuesday. I am choosing my gown on Wednesday and presenting on Thursday so I have rescheduled all my meetups to September. Because 31 Aug is also when our PT day event is going to be. 

We would need to apply for a new HLE and apply for our BTO in September – which I am looking forward to.

Also, with the Bangkok blasts – it is sometimes scary to think that it could have been me. But somehow, I don’t think about it that much. In the – that could have been me way. Am I heartless? Or is it because I try not to put myself in situations that aren’t true? God will put us through various circumstances in life, and we all have our own ups and downs to deal with. My heart goes out to those who have been affected by the blasts though, our world can be a very cruel one.

I’ve also been thinking, whether life in heaven will as tiring as it is. some days I look forward to the day I pass on from this world, because sometimes, it is tiring. I am contented and blessed but isn’t nothing better at times?? I wonder if I will still feel this way in heaven. I hope not. I was reminded then of the joy, the glory, the love that we will get to enjoy in full capacity when we get to heaven. Is it not tiring to live forever?

All in all this was a very rambly post, but i just wanted to remind myself of this august season so I will not forget when September comes.

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.

-          But to trust in the lord with all our hearts, through EVERY season

Declutter

Just trying to organise one's room, one's laptop can be so so frustrating sometimes. The amount of things we accumulate in life is beyond us. Now, we have to grapple with both softcopy and hardcopy mess.

We hold onto so many things, but as a human with human capacity, with only 24 hours to spare each day, how much can we really hold on to? How much memories can we keep with us? The endless photos we accumulate, what do we use them for after?

Perhaps sometimes it is alright to let go, and to live in the now. to live and cope with whatever we can cope with - that is enough.

Declutter

As I prepare to become a wife, and consider becoming a mother in the future, I went back to look at proverbs 31 again. It is a passage that we frequently refer to for guys to look for “the perfect wife”. I felt that looking at it at this juncture where I am getting married, considering children and what happens to my career, that it provides a different perspective to me once again!

1.       The wife is strong, she is not someone who is weak, who needs help all the time, fragile.

-          She brings her husband good, not harm

-          She is clothed with strength and dignity

-          As females, we have our own strength as well. (of course acknowledging that strength comes from the Lord). But there are instances where females portray themselves to be weak and fragile, but I guess that’s not what its meant to be! We are not meant to burden our husbands further, but to bring good to them.

2.       She works, and she works hard

-          She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands (V13)

-          Considers a field and buys it, out of her earnings she plants a vineyard (v16)

-          Gets up while it is still night, provides food (v15)

-          Sets about work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks (v17)

-          Trading is profitable (v18)

-          Makes linen garments and sells them (v24)

-          Let her works bring her praise at the city gate (v31)

-          Women can invest, make financial decisions, contribute financially too. In v23, it talks about the men seated among the elders of the land. It dawned on me that the women are not meant to be oblivious about the finances but just to support the family and provide food. It goes beyond that, she too works hard and works in the marketplace as well to help to provide for the family and contribute to society, whereas the men is given then more time and space to take up leadership roles in society; to contribute to the nation.

-          I guess often we ask ourselves what is the role of the women and men? And its particularly difficult where the lines have been blurred in modern society. Financially, I do up the budgeting, plan for the future, keep track of our insurances, commitments although Justin makes the final decision, tracks the day to day budget. and at one point I wondered if I was doing too much. But I guess while Justin is more meticulous, I am more of a forward looking person/planner? So that’s how we compliment each other. At the end of the day, I would consult him with regard to decisions to be made and show him the “workings” that I’ve done and let him decide.

-          With regards to work, I am even more convicted now that a godly women is not limited to doing housework and looking after children. There is so much more. Of course, her main concern is still the household, but she can also help in providing for the family, in contributing to society (eg selling linen garments).  She can plan for the family’s future. She is capable.

3.       She is kind and generous (v20)

4.       She is prepared for the future (v21, v25)

-          It seems, that this proverbs 31 women has actually planned for the familys future, she is not one who is blur and uncertain but who knows that the home is ready for rainy days and who does not worry about the future.

5.       She is wise (v26)

6.       She looks after the house, is not lazy (v27)

7.       She fears the lord (v30)

A godly women is actually pretty capable and all rounded! She does so many things, and takes care of much. But its something to work towards as the Father transforms me.  Pretty excited as we prepare for the wedding, to having a home, building a family together. I guess preparing for the wedding is a place to start! And im thankful that so far its been going well, we had rough days initially but we’ve learnt each other’s working styles.  Typically I’ll do the research, I’ll work out the cost, budget and keep track of the dates, and then Justin would make the decision based on the research, or make the yes/no decision.  For meticulous, detailed planning eg a proper timeline not a scattered one – look for j too!

Many people have commented that we are very fast but I think its something we do not want to have on our minds for extended periods of time – after all it is just a day. And also because we are pretty efficient? Teamwork! Booking our honeymoon pretty soon which is even more exciting J

I’m also pretty thankful that in recent days j has shared more about his dreams, his struggles. I’m thankful to be able to support him in achieving his dreams, and to pray for him in areas of his struggles. I certainly hope I’ll bring him good in his life! And that I’ll be able to look after the home so it doesn’t become a burden to him!

p.s. this sounds pretty positive but not after a PMS-y week where I kicked up a big fuss over j not caring/not giving me enough attention etc. but its all a learning journey!

bangkok was great. the food, the shopping, the company. i wouldnt say i fell in love with the place but i was thankful for the opportunity to travel with friends. in doing so i discovered more about myself and those around me.

in coming back, reality hit. i was and am dreading tomorrow. why do things clash so often, i wonder. it will be a great relief when i get to the end of tomorrow. we had a huge massive quarrel but im glad it ended well - meaning, we spoke about it and talked about how we honestly felt. and how we are going to change/work things out. Sometimes it is scary, that despite the fact that we are going head on towards marriage - that there are still quarrels like these. but thats life and nothing's perfect, even after marriage i can imagine heated quarrels. in the context of marriage it is sometimes worse because you can no longer ask - are we going to make it? or is he really the one? or are we meant to be? but thats also the beauty of commitment - the space to be real and to love and know that no matter what, we will be 'stuck' together. without God i wonder where we would be. things can get so fiery sometimes with the people whom we feel the most comfortable with.

but im thankful for the opportunity to spend time with my grandmother, to take her to run errands that she needs to run. to have dinner with her and to have the food that she is so proud of. i know our time on this side of heaven is running out and i have to make the most of it.

i also got an A for my first module at bible college, thank You for encouraging me in ways like these.

Decisions

In times like this I would like really like to type out my thoughts about the turmoil in my heart regarding decisions that I've to make, but I also find solace in writing, and since I have a few hours tomorrow for some solitude. I guess I shall do just that. but in any case, I pray for humility and to be able to put others before myself.

Wedding prep

Wedding prep has been more difficult than expected. Its hard to admit, because you always hear jokes about bridezillas and people going overboard; and how the wedding is a day but marriage a lifetime, and you tell yourself how you dont want to go overboard, you just want a simple, meaningful one but even that in itself is a challenge. there are so many things i could want as a girl and so many things justin could do without as a guy. and when working styles are different then people clash. and come to think of it, it is the 'first'/'biggest' project then both of us are working on together since we have met. All along our lives are pretty much our own but we support each other through life, but now one final decision has to be made for the both of us. towards one goal.

so yes, there has been some tension and some quarrels and we are learning to deal with it. to deal with the differences in perspectives, in priorities, in finances. and thats all part of this learning journey of getting to know each other better, and learning to love each other better. Im also learning to respect him more, to give him space to lead, to grow and sometimes it really isnt easy. I'm thankful for MPC where its a safe space for us to talk about our challenges, to discuss not just concepts but to see what that means in real life. 

I was also reading up on what it means to respect, and I think one thing that really hit me is how I need to learn to let God work in his life to help him grow. that its not about me dragging him towards God or pushing him to lead but to just back off and let God do the work in him. Often I say things that are too critical, too emotional, and that puts a lot of pressure on him. 

So yes, this wedding journey has been fun, meaningful but also a learning experience. Learning more about myself and about him and us as a couple.  Learning how to put across my opinions in a gentle, non-assertive manner. At the end of the day this marriage is to reflect Christ; and to help us grow towards Christlikeness. 

(and really, how much of these wedding stuff really matters? the head says its not important, but the heart still wants it. and i will not deny it any longer that yes, there are certain dreams that i have about my wedding and im still learning to manage expectations vs reality of budget/time/resources and not needing to have a perfect wedding. so yes, theres still so much for me to learn!)

the moment we think we are doing well, we fall.

tonight i retreat to this little space for a little rant.
there are days like these when i feel like ive made a lot of mistakes, and ive not been good in the way ive handled my friendships. tonight is one of them. i know friendships change as we grow older but some days that is easier to accept than others. sometimes having an avenue for instant communication simply doesnt help.

yesterday i was reminded that God is the God of my finances, and today - God is the God of my friendships. why is it so hard to trust sometimes?
and days like these when i feel unimportant, invisible, alone - it also reveals my heart and need to be loved, to be noticed, to be recognised. my own prideful, selfish heart that seeks attention. when i look at my own happy photos (not even other people's), i just feel a sense of.. detachment from them. how strange.

its really probably just a whole bundle of emotions. which really, ought to be directed back to God.. also, i really hope to bake this week.

goodnight xx

Someone asked me, how can I be so sure?

1. of my faith
 - because Its a relationship. and when you are in a relationship, you cant doubt. His faithfulness and love through the years has shown me how he is there, he has always been, and always will be.

2. of my relationship
- i told her going back into it the second time round was different. we knew what we were in for (in a way) and we went into it with eyes open, ready to accept whatever would come with it. it wasnt about whether he was the one or not, but that i am choosing him and therefore he is the one. we make the choice to love, regardless. and what is there not to love? to see him love so dearly despite all we have been through. is enough

of course, there are times when we are so sure, and yet we fall. but these things, i have no doubts. just like i have never doubted that i am where God wants me to be this season of life. of course when there are difficulties i would question why - why is it so difficult, if this is really your plan? And this is the season where I feel so lost with regards to whats up ahead, but thats alright, for I know he will lead me to where I ought to be, when the time comes.

2015 feels tougher than 2014. perhaps in 2014, there is a sense of newness. lots of change, and lots to adapt to. 2015 feels like I’ve gotta trudge along and manage. and the list of things to think about just never seems to end.. will we ever be ready for adulthood or starting our own families?

when you are a child, you worry about results, competitions and which school you can get into. but in general life is pretty carefree. when you get into adulthood then the pressures to have a career, a marriage, a family all piles onto you. then when you get to the point where you can being a grandparent then it starts to fade away again doesnt it? like being a grandparent is not as stressful as being a parent, and whatever life has turned out to be, has been. all you have to do now is to enjoy the rest of it and wait for eternity.

people seldom understand your perspective fully.. when its you, they might have a certain set of comments. but then when the same thing happens to them, all of a sudden its okay. because sometimes its not as straightforward as it seems - when emotions, thoughts, circumstances get in the way.

sometimes, you just get so sick of what you see online.. and you decide enough is enough.

please protect my dear heart..

a morning run, some quiet time, a hearty meal, a good massage, a sweet high tea, some quick shopping, a family dinner, quiet walks, gentle tears. sums up a good day of leave and time spent with j (:

thank you for tolerating all my emotions & hormones, i can be very short tempered/impatient at times especially in the past few weeks and you get the most of it.. to pray more, to jump less. and before you know it the year will be over. that scares me..but such is life.

goodnight world xx

weekends

It's always hard to get back to work after a good weekend.. ): I had such a good time though! I always told myself not to become a weekday/weekend person but it's tough..

anyway, this weekend was spent mostly with j and either family and dinner on sat with some friends. For some reason, I felt like we spent more 'quality time' together this weekend instead of just doing things tog. We were able to reconnect and talk about a lot or things after a week of being away.. although it's only a week - it can be a lot because that meant we didn't get to spend Sunday together - which we usually spend at j's house! although it did mean I could spend time with my precious girlfriends last weekend(:

anyhow, I also baked pineapple tarts with j's mum! really thankful for the time we spent together - for all the conversations and all she shared with me. Although it can be slightly draining, as making a new friend would be, I'm thankful that we can have such a friendship and be able to spend time tog(:

alright, it's time to go to work..

one little thought can transcend into a worry - which can escalate to a whole array of worries. sigh, too much paranoia.

to remove paranoia and worry, to replace with faith and trust - i pray.

what do you think about when you are on the train?

Sometimes, it seems as though our thoughts are in replay mode. Its almost too obvious what is important to you, to the point it almost, almost becomes an obsession.i think about A, then B, then scroll through whatever i can find on the little phone screen, and then think about A, then B again. 

“You are the LORD, you alone. You have made heaven, the heaven of heavens, with all their host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them; and you preserve all of them; and the host of heaven worships you" 

A reminder of the great God I worship. I've been reading a book about prayer - which talks about how prayer shifts our perspective. Instead of looking upstream (from our problems - looking for someone who can do something about it), we ought to look at it downstream.  First we focus on God and who he is, and then we look at our problems/circumstances, from his perspective.  In many things, its all about perspective. posture. attitude. 

As I continue into my second year of work, I'm glad that my perspective towards work has changed - for the better. I am beginning to see why I am where I am, and I am beginning to see the lives of the people I see daily in a different light.  I am beginning to see that work can be a blessing - not just for the financial security, but for the opportunity to partner our Father to take care of this earthly world those who live in it.  

That being said, I am truly looking forward to my break! (: Have never been to hong kong before so I have no idea what to expect. But I'm excited! for all the yummy food, the getaway from work, and the precious time spent with my parents. I'm incredibly thankful for my family and j's family - who have accepted the other half of us so wholeheartedly into the family.  Sunday dinners have become a regular thing that it feels odd when I havent been over in a week - they treat me like one of them (almost) and well justin's definitely a part of us(: 

I'm so so excited for the year ahead - with a few trips already planned. and all else that the year has to bring. 20 days has already passed and the year is going to fly by before we know it. enjoy every moment x

succumbed

to the family germs after a few weeks. ): guess its time for a rest

HK next week & vietnam in march - this year is starting to look really fun! also a year of jubilee - a year of trusting for God's provision and giving up control to the sovereign one. its always exciting when you give up control to the one who does it better isnt it?

there are some things i feel more and more drawn to, no matter how it seems like nothing is going to work out. but this morning i was reminded from genesis 15 - through Abraham who similarly, did not see how God's blessing was coming to come true, seeing as how he did not even have a single heir of his own. But yet God told him it would, and Abraham believed - and it was credited to him as righteousness. so I will believe - and I will trust.

it seems like the years get better and better as one walks closer and closer to the Father. (: life is hard but life is a journey and an exciting one at that.

The kingdom of heaven

What does it mean to you, and what would you give up for it?A

I pray that I will understand this deep within my heart - how precious this is. I pray that I will stop worrying about the many things in life and about my future - for He has it all in control

friendships

i started the year being reminded of friendships. there are days when it doesnt matter so much, im happy with the friends i have and those i can count on. i dont need that many friends anyway - it takes a lot of time and energy to keep up with that many people and when you're in a relationship you have to commit time to it too- not just because you are being exclusive, but because time and effort is required for it. and i do actually have enough friends.

but there are days when i wonder if im that hard to get along with, why does it seem that its so hard for me to make friends, or have a close group of girlfriends i can count on, or maybe there's something wrong with me. but thats when im looking at certain friends who well - didnt really quite work out.

i admit i was slightly disappointed when friends came back and didnt have time to meet up at all. i guess i thought we were close enough to warrant that meetup. not that im not blaming them, but i was looking forward to catching up and i have to admit that i felt some disappointment when no effort was made, yet i understand how its hard to catch up with everyone when its just within a short time frame, and the list of people to catch up with is probably endless. but on friday i was tremendously blessed by the sharing of a close friend - thankful that she chose to share with me something so close to her heart, and to meet up with dear j. because of what happened with the rest, i knew all the more how much this meant to me that she was able to take time out to meet me even though it was one day before her flight, and i was deeply blessed by the sharing. we wasted no time in small talk but we were able to share about our year in great depth (at least to me) and what God has been doing in our lives, and we encouraged each other in that short few hours. i guess thats why we became good friends since 2011 - despite the fact that our meetings are always short and sporadic; and we are never actually living in the same country. in 2011 we first met in sydney, then in 2012 in brisbane over june, and at perth at convention, in 2013/2014 in singapore. its funny how some friendships work, but im tremendously blessed by this friendship, a thousand times over.

but then i went for a wedding where there were so many people i knew, but didnt really know. and it brought back memories of a past that really wasnt the best. i will never know what these people think of me, whether it was because of certain rumours/truths they heard but never talked about; or perhaps we truly just drifted apart. whether it was because it was really the lack of opportunity to get to know one another, or was it something else. perhaps its my own insecurities that holds me back from walking up to them and just talking to them as per normal. perhaps its just not a good fit, and we are just poles apart. whatever it is, it doesnt seem quite right. but i can live without confronting any of these because i am no longer living abroad - but it is at events like these that these thoughts and memories slap me in the face once again.

i wonder if all these should be written on a public platform, but these have been my thoughts over the new year. this year, i promise myself to appreciate those i have around me, to appreciate the person God has made me to be, and not to overwhelm myself with the things that are not meant to be. know that Jesus had close disciples, but he also had many who betrayed him and who never accepted him. friendships are important, but it is not everything. and with that, i want to be grateful for every single friendship that God has blessed me with - thank you for journeying with me through this life on earth, and for making this journey more joyful, more fruitful, making life better and easier.