church camps and personal reflections

just back from a church camp which didnt really felt like a church camp. in a way its good because im really not a camp person. i find myself getting very lost in big groups of people and i can feel very uneasy and out of my comfort zone. i find it hard to overcome the barrier of self to get out there, i find myself doubting myself and who i am all the time - which makes it really hard for me to get out there and talk to people because im always overthinking things. which struck me when the ps talked about what breeds differences in the church and he spoke about comparisons - we either feel better than others (breeding pride/contempt) or we want to be like others (envy/jealousy/resentful). im guilty of both. i can get uneasy in my own skin because i want to be someone better, i want to be like someone else - and that shows my pride and selfcentredness that wants people to look at me. its something that im learning to do - to remove the self from the equation. 

security in friendships is also something ive always yearned for - perhaps overly so, in an unhealthy fashion. the need for assurance, for security based on people - it could be a gift from God (Friendships) but am i placing the gift above the giver?

which also leads me to think about what john tells me about myself - how i get stressed very easily/dont cope well with stress. and how i can be a very negative person. initially my pride wouldnt let me accept it, thus the quarrels/disagreements. but now its dawning upon me that its true. I let stress get the better of me; but often i keep things inside so i end up imploding/exploding on the people closest to me - which is certainly not a good thing. I can also tend to focus on the negatives instead of being thankful for what i have - i always felt that i was quite a thankful person - but then there are also times (which can get pretty often) then i feel down about the tiniest things and where things get to me and i harp on it. and then i overlook the positives or i get greedy and want more. i guess these are things i first have to accept so that i can grow as a person. 

there were so many things that struck me at camp too though i need time to process through it slowly (and i will, promise!) - one was how we are the dwelling presence of the Lord - and that is the greatest, highest gift of God which brings us the greatest joy of the Father and gives God the highest glory -  i think knowing God/desiring God would definitely be good books to read regarding this topic. its something that always amazes me when i read about/think about but somehow has not sunk down into the heart/practical level/life yet. will digest this slowly over the next few weeks! 

so there, admit my weaknesses and allow God to work in me and for me to work at it too. now let go and breathe - and get ready for 5 weeks of placement starting tmr. 

its going to an intense next few months but im gonna get there (:

just a song to end off!(:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9t5_ZNmaw