what if your blessings come through raindrops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc

i am too emotional for my own good.. was fighting to hold back tears at work today. i didnt think there was anything wrong with me but she did. my nervousness, my lack of confidence, my judgement calls.. nothing went well today. as each patient passed, my confidence took a bigger hit each time.

how ironic because yesterday when i was reflecting on my day this was what i said "thesis submitted, graduation filed, 6 days left for placement and one exam. the end does fly by doesnt it! sometimes the last bit gets really draggy and you really cant wait to get it over with, but this time, i feel like time is passing so fast and im trying to grab hold onto whatever's left. its scares me now to see how in about two months, i will leave australia and everything will just fade into a memory. even though at the same time, im excited to start a new season of life. oh gosh, i sound confused. i guess this is what they call - mixed feelings."

and today its just one of those days where i feel .. like what am i doing here. why is it so difficult, that after four years, i have yet to overcome this barrier of communication. is this profession really meant for me? will i really get comfortable in this? what am i actually good at doing?! do i actually have to be good at something?

okay too many questions...

[edit: after my netball game]
last game of netball ever over! ): its been such a good time learning how to play a ball game and a team game. ive learnt so much through this and who would have though i would have ever been able to play a ball game??? will definitely miss having weekly netball games. considering picking up a new sport/continuing with something when i go back to sg! the ifs and whens. the many possibilities

last ocf session tomorrow as well. too many lasts. my heart cannot take this.

so there you go, all my emotional drama in 24 hours. BUT, i have my bubble tea from the housemate that i love and loves me very much. i have a muffin and a coffee waiting for me tomorrow morning. SO TOMORROW WILL BE A GOOD DAY. i will have a good breakfast and remember that my Daddy goes with me wherever I go, and I will make it because I know he will bring me through.....

so thank God because He is worthy of all praise and He is good regardless of how i feel or my circumstances. and thank God because I dont have to impress anyone on this earth, neither do i have to prove myself to anyone.

goodnight world! x

why do weekends always pass so quickly?

i feel like im always so unproductive and distracted, is that just me or is that something i can change? was i always like this? sometimes when we look at things on hindsight we dont remember how it was like actually going through it, so although i could tell you how i felt studying in secondary school or jc, it probably wouldnt be 100% accurate because all the stress and feelings associated with those times are now gone and it would be different. im coming to the end of my four years in uni. only four more weeks left! less than a month since the final exam is on the 12th. sometimes i feel like i cant remember so much that i want to go through the four years all over again. to be organised and hoard all the information that i need to store in my brain. yet if i had the chance to go through it all over again, will i be able to retain whatever i set my heart out to study?

when i look at the year ones study i do feel like sometimes i want to go back to the start so i can relearn everything, to really set my heart out to learn and not just study. i always feel like its not concrete information that i have but all these random information floating around my head. or maybe thats the nature of working - that you dont have a set information to learn with defined boundaries but you learn on the go what is required and necessary for the job. but there were other things that took up my time and energy during this four years and i have to acknowledge that as much as i wish i can start all over. that that preoccupied my mind and time and therefore i made do with what was left for studying.

perhaps that was why i was looking forward to finishing up this four years and starting something afresh. but i have to remember that starting something afresh does not mean that it will be perfect or a bed of roses. dont get me wrong, it was still a good four years where i grew a lot in many ways, but sometimes i look ahead and i want to get back on track again. to be focused and to know what i am doing. then i wonder why? what is the importance of that? and as my course is ending, i find myself playing with possible options in the future for further studies. but once i start working there's going to be so many other things coming into the picture - whether it is family, money. its no longer just me and what i want, i have the wait for the right doors to open as well. so i guess i should be rushing into all of this, but to enjoy the last few weeks of my life as an undergrad, enjoy the break that im going to take and start that six years at sgh(:

We also concluded our final bible study on romans - i must say i think ive learnt the most this semester through romans. not particularly novel concepts but putting all these concepts into something concrete and substantial week by week, to get a firmer grasp of the foundation of what i believe in. i must say ive enjoyed it(: i find it strange though, the lack of sharing through these studies. which is something i look forward to when i go back home - if possible, to meet people that are willing to share in depth about what convicts them and how it affects their life. i think through romans i caught a clearer glimpse of the glory of God. of everything that He has planned out and everything that he has blessed up with and all that we have given by Him. although i feel like often, im so caught up with life that i neglect to pause and reflect and meditate on what all these means. i need to stop being caught up ...

im also very thankful for the conversation i had with a friend (or acquaintance?) on the bus! initially i felt  like it was going to be an awkward bus ride, bumping into someone you're not that close to and not sure if she's going to sit with you or not, but she did, and we chatted. and it was so amazing. i felt like it was such an encouragement for us to be able to share about how we felt - working in a different cultural environment and the struggles we face, and the struggles we face with the interactions or people around us without feeling like others are going to judge us. we didnt go into much detail, but at least i know that im not alone. that its alright to have issues at times. because superficially everything can seem alright, everyone can laugh and it is as though everyone is happy and get along, but underneath because we are humans and because we sin and because we are different, there are bound to be some issues. not that we cant get over these issues, we learn to love, we learn to be at peace despite all these, but at least it was affirmation that it was okay and normal to have issues. that im not trying to be difficult and picky with everyone. that i can be grateful and yet still have things i struggle with at the same time.

yesterday's conversation with J was also a ? wake up call. it was hard to swallow and it was easy for me to feel and become defensive. but i guess there was truth in what he said. i should not deserve gentle talks and kindness all the time. that i need to learn to be okay even when things are uncomfortable. i need to handle when people are different and do things differently. i need to handle things out of my comfort zone in order to have a breakthrough.

so press on we go, the 30 days begins(:

our battles

have you ever battled something within you, that doesnt feel a part of you? it feels as if something else is taking over, as if you're losing control over your own self; and yet, its still very much apart of you. have you ever told yourself tomorrow, tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow i will try again, over and over again for years? have you ever wanted to start afresh, start on a clean slate again so tht the past can be wiped away? and yet, you know the past will never fully go away, the past defines the present, which defines the future. but we can also make it such that the past does not fully define the present, because each day is a new day, a new day where we can make new choices, better choices.

have you ever felt trapped in your own body, your own thoughts, in the same cycle over and over again? it takes lots to break a bad habit doesnt it? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-clear/breaking-habits_b_3540148.html

step by step my dear, step by step. lets fight on

netball

in my little space here there are times i want to rant. today the topic is on netball. why is it my passes do not go in the direction i wish for it go, at speed at which i want it to go. why is it i am always either 1 second early or 1 second late. why is it that i cant jump that 3cm higher. why is it even bothering me that i cant play netball as well as i want to, when three years ago i would never have thought that i could even manage a ball game. but one that a friend said to me always sticks - a team game is always a team game, no matter how well or badly you played as an individual - a team game is about a team working together and not about you. there is no such thing as i played badly today and i let the team down, because we play as a team. and we've got each other's backs. so thank you, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of a team, and thank you for allowing me to learn what it means to be a team player. when all my life - its pretty much an individual sport. i would defend track and cross as team events - but its still different. today, i miss days when sport was part of my everyday life. but today, i also give thanks that sports was part of my everyday life, and that even in australia i had the opportunity to try something new. 

today i aim (aimed) to be in bed at 930 and finish off with a good korean drama and fall asleep at 1030. for that to happen i need to get off my chair and go and shower. but looking at the time now - 9.08pm, im not going to make it in time. sigh pie! so i need to stop letting these thoughts run wild in my head but to get back to what i need to do. BUT THANK GOD TOMORROW IS FRIDAY AND I HAVE NO NEW PATIENTS. but it also means its week 2... and 5 weeks to the end of my university life (5 weeks to finish up what ive left to complete - placement, thesis, exam) on top of holidays and moving home and selling my car/furniture. pretty sure ive said this before so i should actually stop repeating myself. but you see the dilenma in my head. enough rambling.. goodnight! enjoy friday and the weekend x

when things change

http://www.becomingminimalist.com/shhh/ - a very interesting experiment that goes along the lines of what ive been learning about how self-centred we can be. might give it a try one day - have a read!

so encouraged by the people around me over the past few days. im def blessed to have such friends around me although there are times when i feel alone/want more - need to count my blessings! all of a sudden i feel like everything's happening so fast- only 6 more weeks of uni and less than three months in this place which has stolen a part of my heart. yes there might have been unpleasant memories but there have also been many pleasant ones - whatever experiences we go through, it makes up who we are and brisbane has definitely seen me through my step into adulthood. as much as im excited to start a new phase of life back home, it also makes me sad to leave my friends here (who would have thought i would ever feel this way). i never thought i would have anyone to miss - but I do. things have made a big turn in the past year, there are times where i wonder if it could have been that way earlier - where bonds could have been formed deeper, stronger, longer - but then i also remember how the difficult periods of my life made me grow into who I am today. and then i also remember, it could have been the same until the end and no bonds formed at all - which probably would be even sadder. So as much as I feel torned between building bonds and friendships now, only to have distance come between us in three months. i know that all these are God-given gifts that I should appreciate - no matter how short or long they are.

but i sidetrack, and yes, i am starting to feel that tinge of sadness when I think about leaving this place - brissy has indeed been a beautiful city and although i could never understand why people come back within the next year of graduation, and always thought i'd never come back in the next 10 years - now i feel perhaps, there are things and people worth coming back for. its funny isnt it, what being away from home for extended periods does to you. it almost makes you feel as though you live two separate lives..

im thankful for being able to wake up at 5.30 for early morning sunshine and spending quality time with the Father, i really hope i can cultivate this into a lifestyle but its gonna require heaps of discipline. thankful for friends that i can chat endless hours with (although chatting till 6am is def not wise!), for saturday brunches, for lovely housemates, for people who care.

in other news - i have an exciting graduation trip line up coming - something i also never expected. i didnt even plan to have a grad trip! but now everything's falling into place and i know whatever else that should fall into place will. its funny how i dont feel anxious about this lack of a plan in our r/s. to take it a step at a time and go along in the journey. in the past, i would have thought that this is not practical, this would have driven me crazy and over the edge, but for now - simply to trust and to wait. thank you for patience.

in the next 6 weeks - everything's coming together - thesis/last placement/exam/moving home/planning holidays - i feel overwhelmed and also getting increasingly sentimental about leaving. time, please slow down ):

Chocolate salted caramel cupcakes

I made my own salted caramel for this cupcake - glad that it was a success! was so worried since I wasnt using a thermometer. On a side note, MY NZ TRIP IS BOOKED and the itinerary somewhat confirmed - I AM GOING TO NEW ZEALAND FOR 17 DAYS! i am really really excited even though i should be focusing on the impending 1001 things i need to do before I enjoy. But anyhow, I'm so thankful the outline is confirmed so i dont have to stress over it anymore and can start booking things into place. THANK YOU! 

okay back to these cupcakes... 

those were just me testing out my photography skills - wondering which was better. hmm

Here's the recipe! (modified from http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/05/23/salted-caramel-cupcakes-recipe/)

For the cupcakes: 

1/2 cup + 1 tbsp dutch-processed cocoa powder

1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp hot water

2 1/4 cup plain flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup + 1 tbsp unsalted butter, at room temp 

1  & 2/3 cup granulated sugar 

3 eggs

1 tbsp vanilla extract 

3/4 cup sour cream ( i used 1/2 cup sour cream and 1/4 cup cream cheese) 

(and added 1 cup of choc chips)

Frosting:

1 cup unsalted butter, room temp

12 ounces cream cheese (1.5 x 250g is what i used) 

1 cup salted caramel sauce  

2 cup powdered sugar, sifted ** (or add and taste and adapt) 

Steps:

1. Preheat oven to 180deg celsius

2. Whisk cocoa powder and hot water until smooth. in a separate bowl, whisk together flour/baking soda/baking powder/salt (i usually skip this and just dump it in when required)

3. Combine butter and sugar in a medium saucepan over medium heat. cook, stirring in between until smooth mixture. transfer to another bowl and beat (electric mixer) on medium-low speed until you get a smooth creamy mixture and mixture is cool. 

4. add eggs one at a time, mix well after each addition. add vanilla and then cocoa mixture, mix until smooth

5. Add flour (Dry ingredients) in three additions, alternating with sourcream. Mix each addition until just incorporated (use spatula to fold in and some bursts of electric mixer at low speed). Add choc chips!

6. Separate into cupcake liners (~2/3 full). Bake for 18-20 mins. 

Frosting

1. Beat cream cheese and butter together

2. Add salted caramel sauce

3. Add powdered, sifted icing sugar 

(taste as you can and modify!)

Homemade salted caramel sauce (:
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2012/05/22/homemade-salted-caramel-sauce-recipe/

thats the end of my baking adventure! now, time for a shower and work!