church camps and personal reflections

just back from a church camp which didnt really felt like a church camp. in a way its good because im really not a camp person. i find myself getting very lost in big groups of people and i can feel very uneasy and out of my comfort zone. i find it hard to overcome the barrier of self to get out there, i find myself doubting myself and who i am all the time - which makes it really hard for me to get out there and talk to people because im always overthinking things. which struck me when the ps talked about what breeds differences in the church and he spoke about comparisons - we either feel better than others (breeding pride/contempt) or we want to be like others (envy/jealousy/resentful). im guilty of both. i can get uneasy in my own skin because i want to be someone better, i want to be like someone else - and that shows my pride and selfcentredness that wants people to look at me. its something that im learning to do - to remove the self from the equation. 

security in friendships is also something ive always yearned for - perhaps overly so, in an unhealthy fashion. the need for assurance, for security based on people - it could be a gift from God (Friendships) but am i placing the gift above the giver?

which also leads me to think about what john tells me about myself - how i get stressed very easily/dont cope well with stress. and how i can be a very negative person. initially my pride wouldnt let me accept it, thus the quarrels/disagreements. but now its dawning upon me that its true. I let stress get the better of me; but often i keep things inside so i end up imploding/exploding on the people closest to me - which is certainly not a good thing. I can also tend to focus on the negatives instead of being thankful for what i have - i always felt that i was quite a thankful person - but then there are also times (which can get pretty often) then i feel down about the tiniest things and where things get to me and i harp on it. and then i overlook the positives or i get greedy and want more. i guess these are things i first have to accept so that i can grow as a person. 

there were so many things that struck me at camp too though i need time to process through it slowly (and i will, promise!) - one was how we are the dwelling presence of the Lord - and that is the greatest, highest gift of God which brings us the greatest joy of the Father and gives God the highest glory -  i think knowing God/desiring God would definitely be good books to read regarding this topic. its something that always amazes me when i read about/think about but somehow has not sunk down into the heart/practical level/life yet. will digest this slowly over the next few weeks! 

so there, admit my weaknesses and allow God to work in me and for me to work at it too. now let go and breathe - and get ready for 5 weeks of placement starting tmr. 

its going to an intense next few months but im gonna get there (:

just a song to end off!(:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9t5_ZNmaw

if you die tonight, where will you spend eternity?

If Jesus comes tomorrow, or today, what will you say to him? Will I be ready to meet him?

Questions that we can seemingly answer, yet it does not seem to sink in. I dont think these are questions that sink deep into my heart or that I see as reality. Its questions that seem hypothetical, the IF is bigger than reality, because very often i think to myself (not consciously) that we will always have time, that there is always tomorrow, or that Jesus has forgiven all our sins anyway, and that we're sinners so we cant help it.  there's all this underlying, subtle things that are not true, that we can say are not true, but deep in our hearts, its things that we live out. Time is always such a big factor. Yet how much time do we really have? As I work with people whose time is limited, whose life is not so much within their control anymore - I wonder, how often do we take things for granted.

But God did not save us to continue in sin , but he saved us to become heirs of God, slaves of righteousness. (Romans 6). We declare, "Jesus is Lord" with our lips - but do we declare the same - Jesus is Lord - with our lives?

but that we are mere sinners, in desperate need of a living Saviour.

hervey bay and the whales

Last weekend i drove up to hervey bay to spend time a dear friend of mine who's doing her placements up there! It's about 300km up north (about 4 hours drive or more) so i drove up on friday night. It was a long and tiring drive which also added mileage into my car but I would say its definitely worth it:) It was great spending time with her, the long conversations we had/comfortable silence were things we used to share a lot more often and it was something i really enjoyed & appreciated. What was awesome were also just being in the countryside, where it was quieter, away from the hustle and bustle of city life and complications that life might bring since I was really just away from everything. The scenery was also great! it also psyched me up for the upcoming nz trip so ive been researching on that quite a bit. 

Anyway, we went up to rainbow beach and we went to the carlo sandblows & lake poona. we didnt want to the coloured sands cos it was 2km away but the sand was coloured at carlo sandblows too if you just swiped one layer of sand off near the rocks (coloured sands are a natural phenomenon caused by oxidation of the rocks/erosion - its like a orange colour) apparently the coloured sands have 72 different coloured sands http://www.ourrainbowbeach.com.au/our-rainbow-beach/rainbow-beach/coloured-sands.html

this was us at carlo sandblows! the first thing we said was how touristy we looked so we took another one

the coloured sands (kinda)

<3

from the initial platform! look how much sand there is!

this is the tea coloured lake poona! we did like a 4km round trip trek to get to this lake, it was nice bushwalking but this was the only place you can enter/see the lake so there wasnt much space at all! but there was this family who were so happily spending time in the lake and it just showed me how aussie families really find ways to enjoy spending time together. and it was a really peaceful place too since no one else was around!

next up, whale pics!! we were contemplating going whale watching because it wasnt cheap ~$100 but we did our research and hervey bay is a really fantastic place to watch the humpback whales! anyway these whales are huge ( i never knew that) and look nothing like how we draw them -.- and it was really nice watching the mum & calf go around and yeah we really enjoyed ourselves so no regrets!! we didnt get the tour group we wanted though we wanted to go with freedom but because it was so last minute there were no more spaces so we went with tasman venture. it was alright still!

this is called a breach(:

I was really thankful for the weekend and the time to spend with maria(: kinda miss it from before! i also took time out to spend time with people this week - ice skating/celebrating mid autumn festival/basketball/bowling tomorrow so yeah ive had quite a busy but funfilled week. thankful though for all these friends that i can hang out with even though its kinda strange how all this is happening in my final sem but im still thankful nonetheless & enjoying it as much as i can.

was also reminded of a few things through yesterday's prayer time/today's bs w olivia but more on that next time.

last week of placement next week! may it end well and be a good week for everyone x 

i stress out over the slightest things. like planning a family holiday. and buying graduation gowns. and buying flight tickets. its like there's this endless todolist which never ends! thats right, i just gotta get used to having an endless todolist and plod through them and feel the exhilaration when i tick off the boxes one by one.

but i might be able to go for mel's wedding! yay. was quite sad about having to skip that, and it'll be my one and only aussie wedding(: midway through third block of placements, trudging along for that thesis, one more exam and one reflection which stands in my way of wearing that black gown (that came in the mail today!) and receive a piece of paper supposedly reflecting the past four years of hard work; and growth. more importantly it marks the end of a chapter in my life, and the start of something new. dont we love these moments. and then a big family holiday (getting bigger by the minute); and maybeee a trip to korea IF c gets to stay (fingers crossed) and then start of working life!

as for now, case conference tomorrow and two patients to review and then to conquer a 300km drive and im off to hervey bay for the weekend! gotta keep reminding myself to live in the now and in the present; like the netball game we just played which i think we did well! i think we played an especially good last quarter(: yay! thankful for the opportunity to be part of a team sport; although cross was a team sport in a way but its just different cos its still individuals tapping off each other when its down to race day although we definitely train as a team thats for sure!

okay, time to shower and pack and sleep so i dont wake up late again tomorrow, esp since meeting starts at 07300hrs. yawns. hopefully wake up in time to make a cuppa green tea latte in the morninggg <3

Bananaberry smoothie/Snickerdoodles

decisions, decisions. so many decisions in life that we've got to make, especially with the upcoming graduation/big moves/big trips. sometimes i get stressed out by the smallest things it can be so silly. i need to complete it step by step and then ill be alright:)

on the other hand, skype with the bestfriend yesterday really made my day! or week(: its been ages since we've skyped and im thankful that we can still talk freely about things except we're now older. with bigger life decisions to make! anyhow, it still felt comfortable like before. anyway, really happy for her & where she's at now(: we've really come such a long way!

Bananaberry smoothie: 

1/2 cup greek strawberry yoghurt, 1/2 - 1 cup lite milk, 1 golden kiwi, 1 banana (Cut and frozen), 4-5 strawberries (cut and frozen) - blend everything together! yummms

Snickerdoodles
since kelly has been bugging me for them since forever, i decided to make them finally! i hope it tastes as good as the last time because i dont remember how they taste/didnt think they were that great
(adapted from http://www.joyofbaking.com/Snickerdoodles.html)

360g all purpose flour (2.75 cups)
1/2 tsp salt
2tsp baking powder
1 cup (227g) unsalted butter
200g white sugar, 100g brown sugar
2 large eggs
1-2 tsp vanilla essence

coating:
66g white sugar
20g brown sugar
2 tsp ground cinnamon

Steps
1. Cream butter. Add sugars and cream until light and fluffy.
2. Add eggs one at a time. add vanilla essence
3. Mix dry ingredience together - flour, salt, baking powder and sift.
4. Add flour mixture to butter mixture and beat until smooth dough. I added 2 tbsp of milk to make it more chewy/moist.
(refrigerate if necessary/too soft!)

5. roll them into dough balls and coat in cinnamon sugar coating.
6. Place onto baking sheet leaving about 5cm in between (give space for it to expand) and flatten the cookie using a spoon.
7. Bake for 8-10 minutes at 190 degrees celsius.

Its been a great weekend(: sat morning with a light read; a short run and brunch with some friends at westend markets(: had a pretty chill afternoon and bible study at night. then i had church, a quiet afternoon, another run with sunday runnin club and a funfilled meeting at night(:

i really miss running with people and at a comfortable pace that is decent. running myself is an uphill struggle and i must say ive adopted a pretty defeatist attitude about it. i just cant find the motivation to get myself back to a level where i can run comfortably even though i think it'd be good for me to go back to it. exercise brings benefits in so many ways! but anyhow, thankful for e for the run today(: it was definitely one of the best runs ive had in a long while. (: although i wish people would not have the misconception that im fast! because im truly fast no longer. perhaps, what i need to learn is to accept compliments in a humble manner - even if i think its not really true. because a lot of things people say is about comparisons - isnt it?

anyhow, week three of placements. bring it on! community has been a great experience in allowing me to view people we see, in a more holistic way. they are more than the problems or issues we may identify. what is important to them, might not be what is important to us. of course, if its the same that is where we can best provide our services, but if their priority lies elsewhere, we cant just barge our way in. although it can be a bit slow, ive still learnt a lot in viewing things holistically, in doing things in a home environment, in adapting similar methods to the needs of different people,and learning about the aussie culture from my wonderful supervisor(: so tomorrow i await good news about his kids finals over the weekend; and his surfing trip up the coast.

graduation dates are out as well(: 7th dec - save the date! haha no, im not getting married. three more months/13 weeks/89 days! oooh all this is happening too fast. i knw ive been telling people who've asked me that im really excited to graduate and go back home. it might seem strange; australia is such a nice place and i do love my life here. i love the independence, the peace and quiet, the conducive environment for quiet moments, the cafes, the lack of a crowd. but its been four years and its really time for me to go home. im also excited to start work in singapore - yes it might be more busy and stressful - but i came here to learn the skill to be able to go home and make a difference in those back home! and its like stepping into adulthood - yes more responsibilities, more decisions - but isnt that also an exciting part of life? where we step into new seasons and God leads us into the unknown. of course i will miss the people here too, but there are also people back home that i miss dearly - where the yearly meetups simply dont cut it even though we can pick up from where we left off. so yes(: im not afraid to say that i am looking forward to the next season in my life - and what i need to do now is to finish this current season well(:

its quite amazing when you look back to see how far God has brought you. but its equally exciting looking forward to see whats in store for you! teehee.

too much words in the last few posts. time for pictures in the next one!

the speech i never gave

i dont know why but i rly struggle to think of something to say, yet i want to say so much as well. I feel thankful, and yet relieved, and yet excited for the new people stepping up to serve - a whole new generation of ocfers that are to come. i think its going to be a great journey for everyone. 

to be honest i cant really get my head around the fact that i made it! two years of serving in ocf (somewhat three) and im almost at the end. well officially yes, unofficially there's still the little things to be done here and there. even though i knew that i came to Australia to serve God, i would never have guessed that it is in such a capacity. although there are times where i feel im so up to it, more often then not its my insecurities and inadequacies that overwhelm. who would have guessed that i can actually lead anything, even though ive always wanted to try, i was never a leader. always someone in the background, someone more often than not, in some ways invisible. i know it was in OCF that I grew in my relationship with God and understanding of Him and His word. sure there were up and downs, it was also in Australia that i hit all my deepest, darkest rock bottoms. in struggling with something i never thought i'd ever be trapped in, i survived four years of uni and i was given the opportunity to serve God. that in itself, to be honest, is something i am thankful for and ought to be even more thankful for. but at the same time, its been four long years, almost five even. too long to be trapped in this and its really time to let go and move on. sometimes i feel like, what they say, it has almost become yr best friend. perhaps explaining my increased desire to retreat. but truly, its time to let go. im 23 and not young anymore..

the mouth does not wish to open although the heart and mind spins. but anyway back to the main point, the past two years of serving has been filled with ups and downs. ive discovered the joy of serving, discovered the source of my strength and the purpose of serving. ive also dealt with many people different from I, dealt with difficult situations, felt loved and felt left out. and grown through them all. all of them - are little memories that form a part of who i am today. i learnt what it meant to serve God, to seek to please God and not men. it was definitely not an easy journey - so many tears were shed. but im glad I persevered, and I'm glad God gave me the strength to do so. im thankful for the support i had that i dont deserve. support that ever too often, i overlook and look at the hurts and the disappointments. when i look back ten years later i will knw that it was a great experience. i know it, and im incredibly thankful to be a part of it. ive made so many mistakes, big and small, and amidst the rejections I am thankful for those who have loved and cared and shown grace. there have been seasons where i have felt truly lonely, but I thank God that through those seasons I learnt that I was not to rely on people, i learnt why God's grace and forgiveness surpassed all, why God's grace and forgiveness was sufficient. those were hard lessons, but I learnt. and am still learning. 

through the years I was humbled, humbled to know that I was not the centre of the world and my opinions were not always right. humbled to know that I was a sinner that often does not obey God who has saved me and adopted me to be his child. humbled to know that I, like everyone else, can only depend on God and God alone.. encouraged too, by the many individuals that Ive met through this season. people that can be so different, and i learnt to look at them through the eyes of God instead of my own tinted eyes. (this i am still learning, for often it is hard to look at people different from myself and love them in the same way as others). when its hard to comprehend, hard to grasp. the times that i felt like i dont belong, the times where i felt like giving up, I am thankful for the people who have encouraged me to persevere and encouraged me to look beyond my emotions and *self*. 

so anyhow, too many things going on in my mind leading to a jumbled mess of verbal diarrhea which i probably wont understand if i scroll back and read it. but i shall just leave it. its been four big years and its coming to a close. if all goes well, ill be graduating on the 7th of december! hurray! its time for something new :) learn the lessons that I've learnt, let go, and move on. and hopefully, its a better, transformed version of sammykoh. but perhaps, there is still that which i need to let go. sometimes i dont even think its possible, sometimes i wonder if its something i have to live with, sometimes i wonder, if its something i can be truly open about and not worry about people's reactions or judgements. I guess only time will tell

Count your blessings

(realised it didnt get posted but this was written on monday or sth!)
got reminded today to count my blessings! so often, i can get caught up with the negatives that i forget about the positives in life.

so here goes
- that i made it through the day today although my head was killing me the whole time
- for a wonderful placement where i can ease into, an understanding supervisor and at the moment, a placement which im really enjoying :)
- for the opportunity to serve in OCF the past year, and for exciting new season for the fellowship coming soon, where new people step up to serve and bring OCF to a deeper level
- for a cosy house which I feel super comfortable with and awesome housemates(: for a room that I really love too! for daily dinners that i really appreciate and i know how different life will be without it.
- for a thesis that is progressing slowly but surely
- for the friends who bother to keep in contact with me even though im miles away. for the bff who's going to korea to pursue her dreams :D
- that im feeling much better now and i made it through the day without b
- for j who has been so patient with me the past few days when im stressed/everything acts up

need to remind myself, continuously, daily, not to indulge in the hole i dig for myself. mid-week tomorrow! (:

why do i sometimes go around in circles only come back to the same spot again. this is a shadow i wish i can get rid of, a thorn in the flesh which I pray for God to take away some day. its hard for others to understand unless you're in a similar situation. 4 years later and i need to grow up and move on ...